My second kid turned eight months old yesterday. He has a few teeth, we’ve started easing him into baby food (with disastrous results), and he’s looking to crawl any minute, which is going to severely complicate my life and increase my stress level.
Meanwhile, the original kid started first grade last week. He is about to lose a few teeth, tried oysters for the first time over the summer (loved them!), and, most significantly, is dangerously close to being able to read the channel guide, thus preventing me from lying about his shows not being on.
This is all very momentous, obviously, but when do my kids’ developmental milestones start benefiting me?
Most developmental milestones are great for the kids, but pretty lame for the parents.
Sure, it’s exciting to see your kids grow up and start to morph from useless wormblobs to useless miniature human beings, but if my five-year-old is any indication, most of the skills kids acquire usually end up making your life more difficult. Like I said: lame!
I’ve compiled a list of underrated milestones; milestones that actually improve the quality of your life, rather than make it worse.
Underrated Milestones
- Can hold own bottle – My arms are tired, bro. (I just turned 40.) Pick up the slack already!
- Can hold own head up/sit up without being held – Finally, you don’t have to worry about his head falling off and/or concussions. Plus you have a hand free for your phone, or your beer, or to stop your other kid from doing something stupid.
- Can turn on the TV – Detective Munch reached this stage shortly before we had The Hammer, and it was glorious. It allowed Mom and Buried and I a few extra winks while he gorged on (a maximum of) two episodes of some insipid children’s show. Then we had The Hammer and I literally can’t remember a time when I wasn’t awake so it’s hardly matters anymore.
- Can get dressed – Not only does this one also buy you a little extra time to yourself in the morning, it’s also often hilarious. It also allows me to blame my son whenever I accidentally dress him in something that clashes. I’m colorblind, get off me!
- Can wipe own butt – This could be the entire list. It’s basically all I care about anymore. There is nothing more humiliating than wiping another person’s ass, unless you count wiping his ass after he prefaces his trip to the bathroom with his customary “I wipe then you wipe!” process, unless you count being summoned to the bathroom for your portion of the wiping process with shouts of “Ding dong! Ding dong!”, unless you count being summoned to the bathroom for your portion of the wiping process with shouts of “Hot dog! Hot dog!” because for some reason that’s the code word he chose to let me know it’s my turn to clean his feces because parenting is a goddamn DELIGHT.
- Can go to bus stop alone – This happens eventually, right? I can just send him down the street alone? Please tell me this happens eventually. Today I stood there for 30 minutes (bus was late) while he and his friends repeatedly ran up and down the block, screeching as they passed, long before I had any coffee.
- Can get own breakfast – Another entry in the “please let me get five more minutes of sleep” category. I should probably just start putting his cereal bars and mini-muffins somewhere he can reach them. God I’m an idiot.
- Can cook my breakfast – Just stand on a stool and put some bacon in the microwave, dude. Help a brother out.
- Can catch – Detective Munch can throw like a champ. (He often reminds me by whipping things at my crotch.) But unless you’re talking about colds, or the Dothraki virus, or a whipping, he can’t catch anything to save his life. It won’t exactly improve my life when he acquires this skill, but I’ll at least stop having to make fun of the goofy little butterfingers!
- Can Google – BECAUSE ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS ALREADY.
- Can stay home alone – Babysitters are expensive!
- Can take care of younger siblings – Babysitters are expensive!
- Can pick me up from the bar – Uber is expensive!
- Can do chores/do homework – I didn’t make it to 40 just so I can repeat the crap I hated doing when I was a kid. Why do you think I had kids in the first place?!
Click here to respond to this post on Dad and Buried’s Facebook page.
Can hold iphone? That comes into play at one point, I’d think.
I am a stay at home mother of five. Although i don’t agree with everything you say, I do admire how honest you are about parenting. (Especially the wiping of small butts lol) because let’s be honest….it’s not all birthday cakes and smiles all the time! Parenting is hard and exhausting sometimes. I’m sure it feels good to let your thoughts and frustrations out on your blog. Will be following. Sincerely -nearlyhalfadozen.
Pingback: New Year's Resolutions Parents Wish Their Kids Made
Pingback: The World's Most Stressful Accessory - Dad and Buried
I don’t think the title of your article matches the content lol. Just kidding, mainly because I had some doubts after reading the article.
**aquasculpt**
aquasculpt is a premium fat-burning supplement meticulously formulated to accelerate your metabolism and increase your energy output.
**backbiome**
backbiome is a naturally crafted, research-backed daily supplement formulated to gently relieve back tension and soothe sciatic discomfort.
**boostaro**
boostaro is a specially crafted dietary supplement for men who want to elevate their overall health and vitality.
**vivalis**
vivalis is a premium natural formula created to help men feel stronger, more energetic, and more confident every day.
**balmorex pro**
balmorex is an exceptional solution for individuals who suffer from chronic joint pain and muscle aches.
**glycomute**
glycomute is a natural nutritional formula carefully created to nurture healthy blood sugar levels and support overall metabolic performance.
**aquasculpt**
aquasculpt is a revolutionary supplement crafted to aid weight management by naturally accelerating metabolism
**synadentix**
synadentix is a dental health supplement created to nourish and protect your teeth and gums with a targeted combination of natural ingredients
**alpha boost**
alpha boost for men, feeling strong, energized, and confident is closely tied to overall quality of life. However, with age, stress, and daily demands
**nervecalm**
nervecalm is a high-quality nutritional supplement crafted to promote nerve wellness, ease chronic discomfort, and boost everyday vitality.
**yu sleep**
yusleep is a gentle, nano-enhanced nightly blend designed to help you drift off quickly, stay asleep longer, and wake feeling clear
**prodentim**
prodentim is a distinctive oral-care formula that pairs targeted probiotics with plant-based ingredients to encourage strong teeth
**vertiaid**
vertiaid is a high-quality, natural formula created to support stable balance, enhance mental sharpness, and alleviate feelings of dizziness
**vitrafoxin**
vitrafoxin is a premium brain enhancement formula crafted with natural ingredients to promote clear thinking, memory retention, and long-lasting mental energy.
**hepatoburn**
hepatoburn is a high-quality, plant-forward dietary blend created to nourish liver function, encourage a healthy metabolic rhythm, and support the bodys natural fat-processing pathways.
**femipro**
femipro is a dietary supplement developed as a natural remedy for women facing bladder control issues and seeking to improve their urinary health.
**glucore**
glucore is a nutritional supplement that is given to patients daily to assist in maintaining healthy blood sugar and metabolic rates.
**sugarmute**
sugarmute is a science-guided nutritional supplement created to help maintain balanced blood sugar while supporting steady energy and mental clarity
**prime biome**
The natural cycle of skin cell renewal plays a vital role in maintaining a healthy and youthful appearance by shedding old cells and generating new ones.
**tonic greens**
tonic greens is a cutting-edge health blend made with a rich fusion of natural botanicals and superfoods, formulated to boost immune resilience and promote daily vitality.
**gluco6**
gluco6 is a natural, plant-based supplement designed to help maintain healthy blood sugar levels.
**oradentum**
oradentum is a comprehensive 21-in-1 oral care formula designed to reinforce enamel, support gum vitality, and neutralize bad breath using a fusion of nature-derived, scientifically validated compounds.