The other day, my wife told Detective Munch that he was her favorite person on earth. I was sitting RIGHT THERE.

I get it; it comes with the parenting territory. He’s my favorite person too, give or take his baby brother. But it can be a little frustrating when your spouse prefers to spend more time with your kids than with you, but that’s not all bad either. In fact, I realized shortly after Mom and Buried so brazenly announced her preference in my presence that my son is actually doing me a favor.

Thanks to him, I‘m feeling a lot less pressure! Especially when it comes to holidays like Valentine’s Day. Kids can sometimes put a damper on romance, but I’ve discovered how to use them to my advantage!

At least, there will be less pressure eventually.

Right now, my kids are young, so their gift-giving abilities are basically nil. But still, it’s nice knowing I’ve got them in my back pocket, and I’ve started thinking of some ways they can help me survive all my wife’s future birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries, and, of course, Valentine’s Days.

These tips may not all apply to you, but if you have kids, some of them should work.

How to Use Your Kids to Win Valentine’s Day

• Blame the Shitty Gift on Them – “I wanted to get you some diamond jewelry, but Junior INSISTED we give you this SpongeBob lunchbox. He was so excited to choose your gift, what could I do? If you hate it, he’ll cry. YOUR MOVE, HONEY.”
• Blame the Stupid Candy on Them – “Why would I spend a fortune on overpriced Valentine’s Day chocolate when the kid brought home a haul from his school-sanctioned greeting card orgy? And I wasn’t about to let him eat it – there could be glass in there! So it’s yours. YOU’RE WELCOME. Pass me a Tootsie pop.”
• Blame ‘No Date’ on Them – “We can’t exactly bring the kids, can we? Kind of defeats the purpose. I already bought you flowers, we can’t drop another small fortune on the extortionist babysitter, we’re still digging out from Christmas debt! Besides Valentine’s Day is manufactured by whatever company makes those repulsive candy hearts with phrases plagiarized from the cops posing as 11-year-olds on “How to Catch a Predator”. Seriously those things taste like chalk, they should all say “FUCK YOU” on them except if you’re giving them to someone that’s redundant. Anyway, let’s have a date night at home! We can snuggle and watch True Detective now can you grab me a beer I LOVE YOU.”
• Blame ‘No Flowers’ on Them – “Come on, honey. The last time I bought you flowers, Junior ate them. Do you really want to spend Valentine’s Day in the emergency room?”
• Blame Everything on Them – Is your relationship with your spouse strained? Get down to the common denominator and start bashing your kids! Nothing brings people together like mutual hatred, and your children have provided endless bitch material. Get to it! When you get home and can’t consummate the evening because a moppet has made its way into your bed, your shared frustration will bring you even closer! You won’t be able to keep from laughing and or/cry-laughing or maybe just crying. It depends on how much wine you’ve had.

At this point I’m realizing this list should probably be called “How to Use Your Kids to AVOID Valentine’s Day” so let’s get back to the original premise.

• Steal Your Kids’ Valentines – The paper these kids bring home these days! What a waste. How can we be green if everything is covered in pink? Let your kid know that all the empty promises in the teacher-mandated cards he got were just that, empty promises, and put the hammer down on a holiday that inexplicably sexualizes young children by taking the valentine’s cards away and writing your wife’s name on them. She’ll be so stunned by all the effort you put in that you’ll be making love on top of the cards before she can see that they are covered in the scribbles of children who thought they were coming on to Tyrion or Reek or Dire Wolf or whatever Game of Thrones character your kids’ classmates were named after.
• Force Your Kid to Write a Card – In my house, this would entail holding my kid’s hand as he holds a pen and scribbling the most legible possible version of “I Love You, Mommy!” that we can manage, then making sure that once the kid is in bed I follow it up with a real card with real words. And also some kind of gift. Because kids are cute and all but Mommy wants something besides a fucking piece of paper, believe me. Speaking of…
• Sell a Kid – Does your wife want diamonds? A romantic getaway? But your kid and your bills and your other kid have bled you dry? Have I got the solution for you: SELL YOUR CHILDREN! There’s plenty of money in it! And plenty of peace and quiet too. Valentine’s Day comes down to one thing: WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE, YOUR WIFE OR YOUR KIDS? We already know she loves them more, so you’d better step up your game if you want to climb back up her list. If you can take out your competition at the same time? Win-win.

Oh, I’m sorry, did that last one offend you? You love your kids so much and what kind of monster would even joke about selling their children? Fine, whatever. There are other ways to make money.

You can always exploit TF out of them, like me!