I love my kids, I just hate parenting
Before I became a parent, I had a lot of fantasies about how I was going to influence my kids to like the stuff I like, and to teach them the stuff I wanted them to know.
I forgot how quickly other influences crop up. My kid is not even six and I’m already fighting a war on multiple fronts.
I think TV is winning.
My son doesn’t watch Caillou.
Caillou is the show that provokes the most anger and disdain from most of the parents I know, online and off, but I’ve never seen it! I know of its reputation, and I understand that the fact that Detective Munch doesn’t watch it is probably a good thing (although some friends of mine swear it’s oddly soothing), but I’ve escaped its wrath.
Which isn’t to say my son doesn’t watch other shows that drive me to drink.
Read more about Streaming Me To Drink …
Parents aren’t special. Having children doesn’t make you a hero. To paraphrase Furious Styles, any fool can make a baby, it takes a real parent to raise kids.
It also takes a real parent to think horrifying thoughts about their kids. And if that’s the primary criterion by which parenting is measured, I’m pretty sure I’m the world’s greatest dad. Because I’m a horrible person!
For proof, witness this list of terrible thoughts only parents have, and that it’s possible only this parent has, because I’m deranged. But that’s why you love me!
I once wrote a post entitled “The Secret to Happy Parenting“, in which I suggested that you’ll be happier if you stopped caring what other people think of your parenting. (From that post: “I’m not suggesting you stop caring about your kid. I’m saying you need to stop caring about everyone else but your kid.”)
It sounds good. Being able to inoculate yourself against all the haters is definitely a great way to improve your peace of mind. The problem is your kids are still around! And as annoying and stressful as judgmental people can be, no one is as annoying and stressful as your kids themselves.
I was wrong. The secret to happy parenting isn’t to stop caring about everyone and everything else but your kids, the secret is to stop caring about your kids at all.
The secret to happy parenting is “The Parenting Shrug.”
I used to go to 100-plus movies a year. Then I became a parent.
Last week, I saw a movie in the theater for the first time in a while. An adult movie. (Well, it was a superhero movie, so “adult” may be a stretch. But it’s not exactly for five-year-olds either. A guy gets shot in the head, point-blank. I think my kid can wait a few years to see that.) It’s a rare occurrence these days.
I’m just not going to spend 100 bucks on a babysitter so I can go sit in a dark room and not talk to my wife. If I’m spending 100 bucks on a babysitter, I’m gonna go sit in a candlelit room and silently stare at my wife while we guzzle overpriced booze. So the only time I see movies is when I take my kid, and that’s not the same.
Because taking kids to the movies sucks.