Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son*

27 Jul

Having kids is not all it’s cracked up to be.

For one thing, you have a tiny human being in your house. This is almost as bizarre as having an animal in your house, but at least animals have fur. All my son has is tons and tons of drool.

For the most part it’s fun to have him around, except of course for the drain on my finances, the stress on my marriage, the elimination of my social life, the inability to sleep, the constant threat of fecal explosion, etc. It’s actually very much like running a farm; at the beginning there was even milking.

I know this is old news; everyone already knows that kids are a drag. But not all kids are a drag in the same ways.

Here then, is a list of things I hate about my son, and my son only.

 Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son*

1 – He makes everything more important
Work, money, food, health, free time. Everything means more now. I need to work harder to make more money to buy more food. More expensive, healthy food that won’t make him get fat and get diabetes. I have to eat healthier too, and I have to exercise so I don’t get fat and have a heart attack. Free time is no longer free, it’s time to spend with him, and I need more of it because he needs more of me, and I can’t go to the movies or to the bar because he can’t come and I can’t watch the stuff I want to watch when he’s around because it might make him kill people so I have to make sure he watches the proper stuff which just gives me a headache and I can’t let him watch too much because he has to go outside and oh my god there’s just so much to think about get out of my HEAD SCHWARTZ!

2 – He’s better looking than me
Which is funny, because everyone tells me how much we look alike. But it’s clear he blows me away, just by virtue of being younger and not having bags under his eyes or a scowl on his face. I’ve never in my life gotten as many compliments as this kid. I mean, the dude’s a chick magnet, and it’s a lot of fun to get all this attention from the ladies, but not that fun since I’m married and he’s a long way from puberty. It’s like having a superpower you can’t use. I feel like Mr. Incredible, except when he’s fat and hates his life.

 Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son*

3 – My wife likes him more than me
Every husband knows this is true. Ask Oedipus.

4 – He reminds me of my mortality
Everyone tells you that having a kid around teaches you to see old things as new again; reinvigorates your perspective on life; let’s you experience things through a child’s eyes. All it has taught me is that I’ve wasted my life and I’m 35 going on 60 and apparently that’s gonna happen in the blink of an eye since having kids somehow accelerates time, according to every single parent I’ve ever met. Great. So I’m old, and I’m getting older, and he’s in my face with his wasted, idiotic youth all the time, AND soon he’ll be 25 and I’ll be dead. Parenting!

5 – My parents like him more than me
He’s their only grandson and they don’t remember what he was like as a teenager because he’s only two. I, on the other hand, revert to being a teenager with every visit home. Advantage: grandson.

6 – He gets terrible music stuck in my head
I defy you to not be humming this song all day long:

And then there’s “Yo Gabba Gabba!” At first you’re like, oh, a hipster show for kids, maybe the music will be tolerable! And then you can’t stop singing “Try it! You’ll like it! TRY IT AND YOU’LL LIKE IT!” to yourself over and over and over and over. I don’t blame the shows themselves; they are what they are. I blame my son. He did this to me. Thankfully I got a little payback – he’s been humming “Call Me Maybe” for weeks. REVENGE.

7 – Everyone likes him more than me
Honestly, this kid is a charmer. It’s gross. He has more social skills than I’ve ever had. I can barely go two minutes without insulting someone, this kid has gang members blowing kisses on the F train. The last time I blew a kiss at a gang member, well…let’s just say I’m lucky I was still able to have a kid.

8 – He makes drinking/being hungover/going to the movies/going to dinner/sleeping everything harder
He makes every adult-based and/or private and/or quiet activity harder. I can’t get drunk when he’s around, and even when he’s not around, he will be the next morning, when the cure for a hangover is NOT his Elmo guitar in my face. I can’t sleep late when he’s around alive. I can’t go to the movies or dinner with him, which means I need a babysitter, and last week we scared off our best one when we came home drunk. He just makes life harder. More rewarding? More meaningful? Sure, whatever. I just want to get drunk in peace. Is that a crime?

9 – I like him more than me
He’s a better person. It’s just a fact. Even though he’s still stained with Original Sin! BETTER PERSON THAN ME.

10 – He makes everything less important
Who gives a shit about going to the movies or watching Breaking Bad? I could sit and stare at my son all night long and that would be entertainment enough. I mean, ALL HE DOES is fall on his face. It’s hilarious. He has 100% ruined my life, yes, but that was my old life and this is my new one (a fact that is both pathetic and, frankly, kind of necessary). He is my new one. I honestly couldn’t care less about myself anymore. Like I said above, he’s Me 2.0 and he’s better in every. single. way. Which makes me have to try and be better too.

Which, in all honesty, is a major pain in the ass.

*Fine. Maybe it should be “Top 10 Reasons Why I “Hate” My Son”


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57 Responses to “Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son*”

  1. LP July 27, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    Aww, I like this one! :-)

  2. shanz83 August 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Awesome sauce. I laughed all the way through (out loud, in public), and even teared up when I read number 10. Granted, I’m pregnant and hormonal… Both hilarious and touching. My favourite kind of read!

    • vsuperstar August 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

      DITTO!! I have a 5.something year old and yeah…all too familiar lol.

  3. lifebeginsat30sum August 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

    Loved this! I’m a nanny for a 7 month old and I’m definitely passing this on to his parents. They will love the humor as they have said many of the same things lately!

  4. Simple Heart Girl August 2, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Love the honesty! It’s like parents aren’t allowed to saying anything even remotely negative about what it means to have a kid. I don’t have kids of my own, but a lot of my friends do and I am the aunt of a pretty neat nephew who, I will admit, I kinda spoil. I’m choosing to not have kids because I know it’s not an easy job and not for everyone. But kudos to you for being there for him. I wish my own father had been.

    • Dad and Buried August 2, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

      Thanks for the comment.

      One of the reasons I started this blog was to fight back against the tide of utter bullshit that was out there about having kids. Yes, my son is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but that doesn’t mean my life hasn’t changed in a million different ways, many of them, if not for the worse, then at least for the unrecognizable.

      I wanted to write a blog about the struggle to hang onto some semblance of my pre-parent life, and not view everything through the same idealized lens that so many other parents, and parent bloggers, seem to.

      So yeah, I gripe a lot. And make a lot of jokes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love my kid. Honestly, if I didn’t have an outlet for all the angst, I might not love him quite as much!

      • felreufk March 18, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

        pyImSh gpmeqbhhprqa

      • virginiawoodruff April 16, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

        I agree. If you vent even slightly in some circles, you’re met with an immediate shut-down. Thanks for speaking the truth to power, Dad and Buried.

      • Anonymous September 10, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

        I love this. It’s so NOT right that it’s right.

  5. milkmaidmom August 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Thank you, thank you!

    I was planning on a purely positive comment, until my daughter came back and I made the mistake of scrolling up, forgetting about the fricking Elmo video smack dab in the middle. After a couple of “go BACK mom”s screamed in my ear, we watched it together. Can you just imagine my joy? ;)

    Song is now implanted in my head, and every word that ends with “-el or -le” will now have a “mo” added do it! Forever, I just know it!

    Sheesh. The things we do for our kids.

    • Dad and Buried August 2, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

      Ha! Sorry about the Elmo thing. But it is catchy.

  6. Jane August 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

    This is hilarious and well-written, like your FPed post I “liked” that led me here. I used to feel that way about my kids, and then they moved out. Then we bought a beagle, and it’s reasons 1 – 10 all over again. Face it…you’re screwed :) Jane

  7. Long-Distance Dad August 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    Haha… This is a great take on the Johnson & Johnson “Having a baby changes everything” tagline (which is true and those ads are genius). But I prefer the sentiment with a little less J&J saccharine and more hungover parents.

    • Deepak December 28, 2012 at 4:21 am #

      Posted on She’s an exceptional fihgetr, and a very strong person. I’m very proud of her, and glad of being by her side loving and supporting her. <3

  8. Christine August 2, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    Thanks god though, right? Can you imagine if you 2.0 weren’t all those things? Then you’d seriously have to hate him. And that would really suck.

    • Angela December 28, 2012 at 4:50 am #

      I’m convinced that Mr. Hinkle, Caillou’s next door nehbgior, is a pedophile. I find it strange that Calliou is whinier than my kids, yet also more easily placated by his parents. Unfortunately, I’ve had to watch way too much of that show.

  9. annestaum August 2, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    This is so funny! I have a 13-month-old, and we watch Yo Gabba Gabba all the time. Honestly, the two characters that I would most like to be killed off of a show is the blonde woman from Walking Dead, and Brobby from Yo Gabba Gabba. The guy claims he doesn’t even like sandwiches.

    • Dad and Buried August 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm #

      This is BY FAR the best comment I have ever gotten. Laughed my ass off.

      For the record, I would have liked to have seen Ben from Growing Pains get murdered, as well as Andrea from 90210. Current shows? Everyone on Glee.

      • Iliqna December 28, 2012 at 6:33 am #

        Elia Perez Posted on Kim thank you! Lupus is not the end of the world. I fight and challenge myeslf daily. Sometimes to the point of exhaustion, but I NEED to squeeze everything I can out of my days! I have always been like that. To my family it is more significant now the cotributions I make to our family. Stay strong Sis!

  10. swimwithnic August 3, 2012 at 1:26 am #

    this post is hilarious!!!

  11. I'mMyOwnStar August 3, 2012 at 8:24 am #

    This is just hilarious! My daughter is 3 1/2 and I feel the same way most days. I love the little critter to death but some days, well…yeah.

  12. Bhavini August 3, 2012 at 10:07 am #

    This was hilarious! What I loved was your magnificent honesty. (Like that song, this word has been circling my head for weeks. Now I use it everywhere, and it’s going to lose it’s taste soon. Promise.) I don’t have kids yet and do definitely want them later, and what I’m taking from your post is to get drunk while I still can. And watch those movies.

    Cheers to fighting back that tide! You’re certainly doing a wonderful job of it. :)

  13. jaiepicure August 3, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    Heart warming!

  14. funnyphuppo August 3, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    When I first read the title, I wondered how you will live this post down 10 years later when your son discovers it on the internet. Then I read it, and realized that you wimped out. All you did is talk about how much you LOVE your son. Coward!

    • Dad and Buried August 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm #

      Believe me, no one is more depressed about this than I am.

      I even wrote about my ongoing wussification here: http://goo.gl/n00JA

      But if you can just hang around for another 12 years or so, I’m sure it will all even out and my anger will trump everything else. So long as he’s the cute little guy he is today, I’ll go easy on him, but by the time he’s a huge pain-in-the-ass teenage punk, I’ll hate his guts. I’m sure of it. And the posts that come out of me then won’t be so nice!

  15. Ben (MyRadDad) October 15, 2012 at 1:17 am #

    Great Post. I hate all the songs that I know because of my kids. HATE THEM. Especially Fresh Beat Band, Wonder Pets… I was going to list a whole bunch but I’m already singing the first two I mentioned in my head… I can’t keep going.

  16. Kyle October 25, 2012 at 3:46 am #

    What a jealous pile of shit you are. Your supposed to want everything in your childs life to be better than yours. Stained with original sin? Are you implying that reproduction is bad? That continuing our existance is bad. Let me guees your one of the ones that believes the world is 12000 years old and dinosaur bones where put here to test our faith. Call cps your not fit to be a Parent. Fucking idiot

    • Dad and Buried October 25, 2012 at 7:49 am #

      BEST. COMMENT. EVER.

      • do yo February 9, 2014 at 6:06 pm #

        DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR SON

      • Dad and Buried February 11, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

        OBVIOUSLY NOT

    • KYM B March 24, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

      WHAT an illiterate idiot you must be. YOUR parents must be so proud Kyle… Wow

      • -pk April 5, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

        “WHAT an illiterate idiot you must be” OH THE IRONY

        “Your supposed to want everything” You’re not your

        “That continuing our existance” its existence

        “Let me guees your one of the ones” Ill give you the typo for guess but your should be you’re here

        “dinosaur bones where put here to test our faith” were not where

        “Call cps your not fit to ” again your is possessive and you should have typed you’re as in you are.

        It is not surprising that someone as obviously unintelligent as yourself didn’t get the “tongue in cheek” nature of this article. However you have thoroughly embarrassed yourself while dripping in irony with your illiterate comment.

        Anyway I thought this article was great and was clearly not meant to be taken so seriously

      • -pk April 5, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

        Being a grammar Nazi and leaving out commas and apostrophes is pretty sweet huh.

  17. hastywords December 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

    As a mom I have had the exact same thoughts….love this a million times…if not more…but a million times is a lot :)

  18. mamaziller February 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

    Loved it, mine is 15 months and they totally chance your life can’t wait till the day I get to decide what time I go to sleep or wake up. :p

  19. mamaziller February 6, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    Change****

  20. Haha! June 14, 2013 at 11:56 am #

    A little worn down by parenting the last month. Half the people reading this probably think it’s a joke. The joke is, it’s the naked truth. ;)

  21. ellen August 19, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    That fucking Adam Sandler Elmo song.

  22. Shushube August 27, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

    Haha love it!! I’m a soon to be Mom of 5 and I have heard all of this from my hubby :-) the only one I didn’t see was the one about how now that you have a kid your supposed to like or love every other kid. My hubby can’t stand other people’s kids. Sure he treats them nice but he would rather throw them out a window then let them get near him.

  23. Felicia-May Stevenson August 27, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

    Funny and touching and all around beautifully written. I feel the same way!
    Thank you!
    Felicia-May Stevenson recently posted…One of a kind wire wrapped denim necklaceMy Profile

  24. Lisa August 27, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

    Too funny (and true)!

  25. Laughingatpeoplewithchildren September 1, 2013 at 12:16 am #

    Put up or shut up lol

    You whine like a woman, for a man lol
    I’m surprised your wife doesn’t have a joint blog that you both can bitch about how being a parent sucks.
    You didn’t pull out, your fault. She wasn’t responsible enough to take birth control, hers too.

  26. Chelsea September 16, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    I heart #10. Funny meaningful stuff.

  27. Matt October 7, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

    Couldn’t agree more. Especially with the drinking. My seven month old makes it nearly impossible to say yes to that third drink. Argh.
    Matt recently posted…Keeping An Online Footprint OfflineMy Profile

  28. abby October 9, 2013 at 2:13 am #

    If a woman wrote this, she’d be torn to shreds and be threatened with child protective services. Shame on us for the double standard in that regard. However, funny article. Enjoyed.

  29. Samantha December 10, 2013 at 2:21 am #

    Funny I came here reading to read about some other crazy person and I found completely the opposite. I found a parent. This job is not for the faint of heart and with all the parent wars going on in every corner it is not going to get any easier. I applaud you honestly. I often ask my husband why we worried so hard for give years about being alone without these little people. I would never trade them but I wish I had known they would just come with time and I should have been doing more and thinking about it less.

    • Samantha December 10, 2013 at 2:22 am #

      ready not reading

  30. Patti December 10, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    Truth with humor. You nailed it, brother.
    Patti recently posted…Mason Jar KarmaMy Profile

  31. Mike Smith December 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    Great post! I have a fatherhood blog myself and I wish I had written it. My grandson is turning one soon and all I could think of was his face. Thanks for spreading the word! Dads are parents too. At least they should be.

    • Mike Smith December 10, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

      The labels for Reply are off – Or I am! ;)

  32. Lisa February 6, 2014 at 12:03 am #

    I really needed this tonight, I’ve been having such a tough time with my son it helps to laugh a little and not take things so seriously.

  33. Steve March 13, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    I really enjoyed reading that. Very well worded and described. You sir have a true gift for putting us ‘there’
    Steve recently posted…Breo Bag Buddy watch reviewMy Profile

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  35. Shweta May 7, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    You are such a wonderful dad.. most of the parents feels the same way. Its just your expressions (caring+funny) that has made this article really nice.
    Shweta recently posted…Attachment parenting: Curse or boon in the new ageMy Profile

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