My toddler doesn’t exactly lie yet.
He does, but it’s so innocent – and about such childish things – that I hesitate to call it lying. It’s more like acting. Since the Oscars are tonight, I thought I’d give my kid a few meaningless trophies that probably should have gone to someone else.
In honor of the female Super Bowl (with apologies to the opening weekend of the Sex and the City movie), I give you a list of my kid’s best performances.
The Toddler Oscars
- Pretending he’s not hungry – Detective Munch’s commitment to pretending he’s not hungry is insane. He will actually SPIT OUT food that is already in his mouth. Breathtaking.
- Pretending he IS hungry – Unrivaled in his ability to trick us into letting him stay awake for another few minutes by insisting he needs something to eat, this two-year-old enthralls parents and babysitters alike with his impersonation of a starving child.
- Pretending he’s not tired – Actually, he sucks at this. He doesn’t have the discipline required to suppress a yawn or refrain from rubbing his eyes, even as he employs the Method and calls on his most energetic memories.
- Pretending he IS tired – I can’t tell, as he’s never tried this one. Maybe when he’s older and he has to get up for school or for work we’ll see what he can do.
- Pretending he hasn’t pooped – He can sell it, I’ll give him that. No one plants their own filthy, mushy butt on the ground with such fearless, unblinking conviction. He is willing to sacrifice his body just to maintain the illusion that he needn’t be changed. It’s extraordinary, the lack of vanity. Alas, the suspension of disbelief cannot be maintained in the face of that stench.
- Pretending he got hurt – This may be his most impressive work, because he is actually able to make himself believe he’s in pain, and thus summon the appropriate volume and intensity of screaming, when it’s obvious to all that his head barely even grazed the side of that table.
- Pretending he’s Daddy – He’s a gifted mimic, and his skills are never more heart-wrenching than right after Daddy curses someone out while driving.
- Pretending he’s Mommy – He orders me around so authoritatively, if I shut my eyes I can convince myself he’s his mother.
- Pretending he’s drunk – He acts like he’s half in the bag half of the time. I think it’s unintentional.
- Pretending he’s in control – I’m the one pretending. He’s totally in control.