Parents are the worst. Actually, politicians are probably the worst. And other people’s kids suck pretty bad too. And Nazis.
In fact, I changed my mind. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Nazis are really the worst.
But parents still suck pretty bad. I knew it before I had a kid and it’s become even more apparent since I’ve joined their ranks.
Here are some of the reasons why.
Eleven Reasons Parents Are The Worst
- Their kids
- Their constant complaining about their ungrateful, undisciplined, un-sleeping, whiny, tantrum-throwing kids
- Their constant bragging about their incredibly smart kids, or incredibly athletic kids, or incredibly cute kids. Guess what? I was smart and athletic and cute once too. Then I hit puberty.
- Their constant posting on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Pinterest about their kids. There’s a reason I avoid you in real life, stop making me avoid you in fake life too.
- The griping about how expensive babysitters are. You know what’s not expensive? CONDOMS.
- The constant discussions about children’s TV and music and movies and books. I used to watch that junk too, when I was in college (read: wasted), but I didn’t hold nonstop conversations about it. At least not conversations I can remember. I wish I couldn’t remember the last time you brought up how much you hate “Caillou”.
- We get it: you’re tired. News flash: Everyone’s tired. It’s called Five-Hour Energy. Quit being a martyr.
- Their breathless worrying about video games and social media and twerking and sex and violence and alcohol and concussions and peanut allergies and we’re out of hand sanitizer! I heard about this crazy thing the other day, it’s called 200,000 YEARS OF HUMAN SURVIVAL. So take it down a notch, Chicken Little. Your kids will be fine.
- Their tax break
- “I can’t! I have to: pick up my kid/hang out with my kid/read to my kid/feed my kid/not drink because of my kid/pretend I care all bout my kid’s recital or baseball game or doctors appointment/use my kid as an excuse to not have fun because I’m super lame now.”
- “I can never go to the movies! Waaaah!” You know who can go to the movies? CONDOMS.