I wouldn’t expect you to understand. If you’re not from here, it must seem alien to you.
Around these parts we do things differently, and if you’re not born and raised in this culture, you’re probably never going to get it. We eat different foods, we use different slang, we wear different clothes, and yes, we discipline our children differently.
So I can’t condemn Adrian Peterson for what he did. It’s a part of his culture.
From the outside it may seem harsh. It may even seem abusive. But it works. Time-outs work for you? Great. Taking away TV? Taking away dessert? A stern talking-to? All fine and dandy where you’re from, so I don’t judge. I’m not a part of your culture, I don’t know what it’s like to be. You were raised differently from me, you have different concerns.
I’m not in your shoes and you’re not in mine.
Where I’m from, there are different temptations for the children. There are many, many ways for them to fall off the straight and narrow, and their margin for success is so slim we can’t afford to let our children stray. Not here.
So yeah, I have some parenting techniques that might seem crazy to you.
The bottom line is, every parent who lives here wipes their kids. It’s how we were raised, it’s how our parents were raised. It’s why I’ve achieved the success I have as an adult. This is a different world than yours. Every time a kid makes a mistake, we hypnotize them using our magical memory sticks and make them forget it ever happened.
Yes, here in the 100% fictional science-fiction world of the movie Men In Black where aliens exist and Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are friends, there actually are legitimate, wormhole-wide cultural differences between non-humanoids like me, who’s from Alpha Centauri and made entirely out of seaweed, and Homo sapien parents from the non-southern part of the United States, like you, that make your fundamental laws of human decency and physical pain irrelevant, mind-wiping is just a part of our culture that you’ll never understand.
If you want to arrest one of us for wiping our kids, you’re going to have to arrest every parent in this quadrant! And then you’ll be facing an intergalactic war of staggering scale!
Wait a second. You said “whipping”? A four-year-old? With a stick? Until he bleeds?!
That’s not a “cultural” thing. That’s goddamn child abuse! You’re all human beings, you fucking morons, being hit with a stick hurts like hell whether you’re from Alaska or Argentina! I’m a goofy satirical character from outer space and even I know that!
I take it back: I can condemn Adrian Peterson. And I do. With prejudice.
Now I’m beaming back home to wipe my own brain so I can forget I even heard about this!
The deformed husk of Vincent D’Onofrio