Moms, I know you love your kids. But don’t you kind of wish you didn’t have to go through pregnancy to get them? I know you love your husbands too, but isn’t it frustrating that they don’t have to experience the grueling marathon of labor?
Damn right it is.
Mom and Buried is at the tail end of a grueling year, and (after you take into account her irresistible looks) she has no one to blame for it but the guy who knocked her up. I know how hard the last nine months have been on Mom and Buried, so you can’t tell me she wouldn’t love a little revenge. I bet you all would.
This holiday season, you’re in luck!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and December is usually pretty cold, so it makes sense to get back at the bastard who’s responsible for those goddamn stretch marks with Dad and Buried’s Vengeful Wife’s Holiday Gift Guide! Fill Santa’s sleigh with a bunch of gifts that will get your husband as close as he’ll ever be to experiencing the pitfalls of pregnancy!
Read it and weep, Dads. READ IT AND WEEP.
The Vengeful Wife’s Holiday Gift Guide
- Tickets to the Wiggles or Yo Gabba Gabba LIVE! Or Something Equally Miserable: And you stay at home! That’s right, it’s a family affair for everyone but you! This dad can’t imagine having to attend one of these ridiculous stage shows without his wife. With my hands full preventing my inexplicably ecstatic three-year-old from bouncing into the family next to us as he bumps and grinds to songs about PB&Js and sharing, I’d barely have a minute to stare at my phone. Thanks honey!
- A Bucket of Ice Chips: THIS IS WHAT I ATE FOR NINETEEN STRAIGHT HOURS WHILE I WAS BIRTHING YOUR CHILD. SO SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP.
- Spa Gift Certificates: “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not for you. That’s so weird. How did my gift certificate for a day at the spa get in your gift pile?” BURN.
- An Appearance on “Fear Factor”: Remember all those weird cravings you had? Pickles and ice cream? Raw meat and chocolate mousse? They make you retch now, so why not return the favor by getting your husband on “Fear Factor” and forcing him to eat some bizarre shit. Is “Fear Factor” still on? No? Whatever, just shove some worms down his throat. Hopefully he’ll puke. WELCOME TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER.
- Membership in the Non-Alcoholic Beer of the Month Club: Isn’t it time your husband experienced the joys of forced sobriety? Yes. Yes it is.
- A Gym Membership: You busted your ass to get back into pre-pregnancy shape and he’s been sitting there drinking beer and watching football all fall. I don’t fucking think so. Get his ass back in gear with a gym membership that automatically deducts from his bank account. If he doesn’t go, you have extra ammo to scream at his fat ass for not only letting himself go but for also destroying your budget. There are plenty of guys out there looking for a MILF, and you’re not afraid to find them if he doesn’t drop the donuts!
- The Moulin Rouge Soundtrack: Just to be a bitch.
- A Hernia: Doesn’t he deserve one? Just tell him you really want to rearrange the living room before guests arrive and you’re sorry you can’t lend a hand, but you’re still tired from ALL THAT EXCRUCIATING LABOR. Lift with your legs, asshole!
- Some Bad Acid: It’s time for him to experience the wild mood swings and random sweatiness that happens during pregnancy.
- Is There a Way to Make Him Have to Piss All the Time?: Because that would be good.
- Move Out and Take the Kid(s) With You: Just for one day, as a practical joke. Wouldn’t it be a heck of a wake-up call? While your husband will never truly be able to experience the downs (and occasional ups) of pregnancy, he can be reminded of what your sacrifices yielded by letting him wake up one morning without it all. Nothing makes Christmas worse than the absence of your children’s joy. Because despite all the bullshit kids bring, and the not-so-fun parts of pregnancy, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. And neither would he, and this little prank should remind him of that.
This post originally appeared on Mommyish.