Parents aren’t special. Having children doesn’t make you a hero. To paraphrase Furious Styles, any fool can make a baby, it takes a real parent to raise kids.
It also takes a real parent to think horrifying thoughts about their kids. And if that’s the primary criterion by which parenting is measured, I’m pretty sure I’m the world’s greatest dad. Because I’m a horrible person!
For proof, witness this list of terrible thoughts only parents have, and that it’s possible only this parent has, because I’m deranged. But that’s why you love me!
25 Terrible Thoughts Only Parents Have
- If I had a time machine, I’d totally spare Hitler just so I could jump ahead to when my kid leaves for college. I mean, I’d go for Hitler AFTER THAT, obviously. But college first!
- A vasectomy hurts, for sure, but only for a little while. Not for 18 years.
- I wonder if we can get the five-year-old a job in one of those Chinese iPhone factories…
- What’s the age limit on safely dropping a kid off at a fire station? (Please be over six.)
- I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas. I’d like to BEAT BEAT BEAT whoever wrote this song…
- The only way I’ll be attending another one-year-old’s birthday party is if it’s BYOB.
- We can totally skip the bath tonight. Nobody will make fun of him – everybody loves Pigpen!
- Sleep-away camp is available year-round, right?
- I wonder what it would be like to be deaf…
- Why doesn’t that “What Little Boys are Made of” poem say anything about crumbs?
- “Bundle of joy” my ass.
- The things I would do for a cup of coffee right now…
- He’s always dressing up, I bet he’ll love military school!
- Maybe if I keep my eyes closed long enough he’ll go get his own breakfast.
- Whoever coined the phrase “the pitter-patter of little feet” should be in jail.
- Can cartoon characters die? God I hope so.
- If I hear “are we there yet?” one more time I’m breaking out the duct tape.
- Why did I buy that white [anything]?
- I wonder if he’d miss his recorder if I hid it/threw it in the garbage/broke it into 500 million pieces…
- It’s not like chloroform is painful…
- “Have kids,” they said! “Best thing that ever happened to us,” they said! LYING BASTARDS.
- I bet quicksand is really relaxing…
- All I’m saying is I’d totally watch a real life “Hunger Games”.
- If he doesn’t eat those fish sticks I swear to god I’m gonna lose it…
- “Sorry, buddy, do you want some chicken nuggets instead?” God, I’m a pathetic sap. I HATE MYSELF.
A slightly different version of this post previously appeared on Healthline.com.
I like #16 the best, always wondered that myself
Pingback: Five Things I Was Desperate For My Son To Do Until He Actually Started Doing Them
If #5 is what I think it is (you change the vowel sounds, e.g. “ooples and banoonoos”), I didn’t hear that until I was in Boy Scouts.
Hey, very nice information. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
exercise for health and fitness
Sleeping better, exercising and eating healthier will also help lower your stress. When you’re stressed out what happens? You want to eat! So, getting your stress levels under control, keeping your goals in perspective and focusing on taking good care of yourself will help with your successful weight loss.
Sleeping better, exercising and eating healthier will also help lower your stress. When you’re stressed out what happens? You want to eat! So, getting your stress levels under control, keeping your goals in perspective and focusing on taking good care of yourself will help with your successful weight loss.safe travel
Hey, very nice information. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
Sleeping better, exercising and eating healthier will also help lower your stress. When you’re stressed out what happens? You want to eat! So, getting your stress levels under control, keeping your goals in perspective and focusing on taking good care of yourself will help with your successful weight loss.Barcelona Short Stay
Hey, very nice blog. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
Most of us probably think of the recent stories about Amazon warehouse workers, but these are great remote jobs. Thanks for sharing!general store
Hey, very nice blog. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.Party rental near me
Sleeping better, exercising and eating healthier will also help lower your stress. When you’re stressed out what happens? You want to eat! So, getting your stress levels under control, keeping your goals in perspective and focusing on taking good care of yourself will help with your successful weight loss.yoga shorts
This Is Great Information For Students. This Article Is Very Helpful I Really Like This Blog Thanks. I Also Have Some Information Relevant For Online Dissertation Help.captain cook snorkeling tour
This says it all, Julie Ann, “Some days can be so overwhelming, though, that we must practice focusing our minds on Him that our hearts not be led astray. This is where the Word comes in.” I couldn’t agree more! When my time in the Word is lacking, every area of my life suffers.IT Services Kona
I as of late discovered numerous helpful data in your site particularly this site page. Among the loads of remarks on your articles. A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing.
Trasplante de pelo turquia
Hey, very nice information. I came across this on Google, and I am stoked that I did. I will definitely be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just taking in as much info as I can at the moment. Thanks for sharing.Restroom
This says it all, Julie Ann, “Some days can be so overwhelming, though, that we must practice focusing our minds on Him that our hearts not be led astray. This is where the Word comes in.” I couldn’t agree more! When my time in the Word is lacking, every area of my life suffers.Colours That Go With Grey
Sleeping better, exercising and eating healthier will also help lower your stress. When you’re stressed out what happens? You want to eat! So, getting your stress levels under control, keeping your goals in perspective and focusing on taking good care of yourself will help with your successful weight loss.
The whites in South Africa must carve out their own homeland. There is no other solution except to flee, but many have no place to go. It is one of the great tragedies of the 21st Century.