My wife loves our kids more than she loves me, and that’s okay.
Isn’t that how it should be?
I want Mom and Buried to prefer the kids to me.
I like knowing my wife will do anything for Detective Munch and The Hammer, that she’ll prioritize them when necessary, even if, occasionally, that makes me feel ignored. Especially since I know she’ll take care of them when I finally fake my death and hit the road for some free-living!
All joking aside (not really, there will definitely be more joking) (also THE ABOVE COMMENT WASN’T A JOKE I NEED SOME SPACE), don’t you want your spouse to love your kids more than s/he loves you? Apparently, not everyone does…
Recently I came across an article titled “Love Your Spouse More Than Your Kids, Make Sure The Kids Know It” and wow.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of rubbing uncomfortable truths in my kids faces, but this seems backwards to me.
A few excerpts:
- “I will always choose her over them, and I make sure they know it.” Yeah. FCK THEM!
- “A kid may not consider it consciously, but will sense on some level that their parents place them on a pedestal.” Not after they read my blog!
- “If we regard children as the priority over marriage, then children become a drain upon our happiness.” Yeah, well, children are a drain upon your happiness in every scenario.
Prioritizing your kids doesn’t mean ignoring your spouse, especially not if the two of you are in agreement about who comes first. This can be one of the underlying truths of your marriage without that marriage dying a slow passionless death from neglect. Putting them first doesn’t mean undermining your spouse’s opinion on discipline, or treating them as if they can do no wrong, or raising them to be entitled and spoiled, as the person who wrote the article I referenced seems to think.
You can still make time for yourselves and each other. Parents who are just about parenting are boring, and being so single-minded is no good for anyone, including your spouse and your kids. Your love for your kids can be paramount without sacrificing the work your marriage needs to remain viable.
But as wonderful as romantic love is, it lacks the biological connection you share with the human beings that sprang from your loins (unless you’re from the deep south HEY-OH!). The experience of creating a life and then seeing yourself reflected in that burgeoning new person – whether through a physical resemblance, similar personality, and/or interests and aptitudes – is profound, and altogether different from the experience of falling – and staying – in love with your partner.
You can’t help but love your kids, even when you hate them. I should know; I’m kind of an expert on this. The love you feel for your spouse is no less powerful, but it can lack the binding element that biology provides. Relationships are vulnerable; biology is undeniable. There’s a reason you can’t divorce your children.
My kids are the absolute worst. As you know. And I love my wife. She’s definitely like top 100 wives of dad bloggers in the NYC area for sure.
As for me, I’m a garbage person who doesn’t deserve happiness and every moment of heartbreak and pain I experience is entirely justified. I’m lucky I even have a wife and kids! Which makes the experience of having children who are so like me but thus far unsullied by the cynicism and strange stew of arrogance and insecurity with which I mope through life so conflicting.
It’s hopeful to see them reflect back the best parts of me and it’s depressing to know that life is going to corrupt them the way it’s corrupted me. I want to protect them. It’s too late for me, but they still have a chance. Being their parents’ first priority gives them the best chance.
If that means Mom and Buried loves them more than she loves me, that’s a price I’m willing to pay, even when it means she lets them in our bed when I would prefer we have it to ourselves (wink wink!). I’m not going to whine about it. Especially since I know she usually likes me better.
So yeah, my wife loves my kids more than me, and I love my kids more than I love my wife, and that’s all good. I also hate them more than I hate my wife, so it balances out.