Nobody wants my advice much these days. even though a highly respected and totally anonymous website I’ve never heard of just called me a cross between Louis C.K. and Homer Simpson, which may or may not be a compliment?

I used to run these columns fairly regularly, but now, even when I bang the drum for questions, I hardly get enough to fill the space. Which is a shame, because my advice is not only terrible and potentially damaging, it’s funny and potentially damaging. But without questions, I can offer no answers.

Thus, this may be the last edition of Parental Advisories. You have only yourselves to blame.

Dear Dad and Buried,

How do you properly ignore a raging 3 and a half-foot tall psycho when having a melt down about god knows what if the fuck????

– Chris

Dear Chris –

I’m gonna spare you any awkward rebuttals and assume you’re referring to your child and not, say, your diminutive wife, or Tom Cruise. But either way I think you’re missing the point.

Kids are gonna melt down. Nothing you can do about it. But the fact that your child is so precocious that she is already tackling major existential questions like “what if the fuck?” is something to celebrate, not deride! For centuries, the human mind has been wondering “what if the fuck?” and has yet to come up with a reasonable answer. I think the closest we came was in the seminal ’80s cinematic paean to capitalism and prostitution, Risky Business, when Tom Cruise’s three-and-a-half-foot tall psycho postulated, “Sometimes you gotta say ‘what the fuck.'” How right he was!

I’m just now realizing you meant to say “what IN the fuck?” and now I feel silly. But not as silly as you, wondering how to ignore your child! Again, kids are gonna melt down. And, my misinterpretation of your question aside, Tom Cruise is still correct. Sometimes you do have to say “What the fuck.” And to that end, how do you ignore a tantruming child? Alcohol and earbuds, my friend. Alcohol and earbuds. Also, this.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

How do I get my 3-year-old son to poop on the potty? He knows when he has to go and handles peeing just fine.

Also, how do I get him to keep his clothes on and stop peeing outside with the dogs?

– Hannah

Hannah,

I really, really want to ask where, if not on the potty, your son is pooping, but I won’t, because I’m terrified you’ll say “outside with the dogs.”

Most parents suggest a rewards system for using the potty, which makes sense, because the only other option is a punishment system which can not only lead to weird defecation-based hangups in the future but is unlikely to be effective. Anyone who prefers to wear their poop in a sack around their waist simply can not be punished. He is unpunishable.

I believe I’ve read somewhere that removing the diaper entirely might force the child into a reckoning with his bowels for which he is heretofore unprepared and may therefore send him into the arms of your porcelain savior, but it’s a stronger man than me who runs the risk of human feces besmirching his furniture. I think your best bet is probably to wait it out. After all, there aren’t many teenagers who use diapers, the odds that yours will be one of the few who doesn’t eventually wise up and stop humiliating himself are rather slim.

As for the dog thing, just make them use the toilet too. They’re almost definitely easier to train.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

Yesterday my child refused almost all food after breakfast, yet still had the energy for gymnastics, walking around the mall, and playing on the playground until we literally had to drag him away. Where is all this energy coming from and can we harness it for the good of humanity?

Second question, what the hell will your kid eat when he turns both down chicken nuggets AND pizza? It’s like my world has turned upside down!

Any answers, sincere or sarcastic, are appreciated!

– Amanda

Dear Amanda –

First things first: I’m hurt. You think I would offer you sarcastic advice? HOW DARE YOU.

Second: I’m no doctor, but I’m guessing your child’s energy comes from cocaine and/or meth. And no, nothing good comes from drugs except euphoria and happiness and some of the best art the world has ever borne witness to. Then again, he is just a kid, and they are tireless energy machines hellbent on crushing our dreams. Your son doesn’t need food to acquire energy, for he is already eating your soul.

Third: I hate to break it to you, but if your kids refuses chicken nuggets and pizza, he is a Communist and must be turned over to the House Un-American Activities Committee so he can be properly re-educated to be a productive, drug-free American citizen. Then again he’s probably just being a dick. Tell him this ain’t no restaurant, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no fooling around! He gets what he gets and he don’t get upsets (that rhyme is harder when you change the POV). Eventually he’ll be full of souls and he’ll have no choice but to come around and eat good old-fashioned American cuisine like pizza (from Italy) and chicken nuggets (from the depths of hell).

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

What do you do when your 5-year-old tells other 5-year-olds both the F-word and how babies are made, naming the parts involved? I’m asking for a friend, of course.

– Jillian

Dear Jillian –

Um, sit back and relax and watch the money roll in because your child is a GENIUS? Put him on YouTube explaining that stuff and he goes viral in seconds. SECONDS!

Otherwise, if his information is accurate, just tell him it’s not, and convince him of some stork-based nonsense to get yourself through the next couple of years. If it isn’t accurate, let it go. He’s only making a fool of himself, this five-year-old that doesn’t properly understand the human reproductive process! WHAT A DORK! Either way, try to find out where he picked up his information, and maybe tell your husband to be less specific with the dirty talk. YOUR KID CAN HEAR YOU.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

As a dad, do you develop a magical ability to suddenly sleep through even the loudest baby wailing, or are you pretending to be asleep?

– Jackie

Dear Jackie –

Wow. What a rude question. Don’t drop your lazy husband baggage at my door, lady! I get up for my son in the middle of the night as often – if not more often! – as my wife does, and I’m sure plenty of other dads do too.

It’s okay. I forgive you. The incompetent dad is a common stereotype. Moms are just as capable of blowing it as dads. Besides, if you haven’t figured out how to fake sleep to avoid the occasional call to action, then that’s on YOU.

Parenting isn’t a game. It’s SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

That’ll do it for this round.

Thanks for playing, and please don’t sue me!

Check out previous entries and submit your questions here. And follow me on Facebook and Twitter for on-the-fly, real-time parenting expertise! And on Instagram for photos of the aftermath (and me wearing a toy fire helmet).