Father’s Day is coming up (as if you didn’t know, you sly minx!) and Mom and Buried keeps asking me what I want. I keep telling her that I don’t want any Father’s Day gifts.

Which is true, I don’t want anything. Why not? Well, it’s certainly not because “I have two beautiful kids and an amazing wife and that’s everything I need” because give me a break!

Here are some reasons I don’t want any Father’s Day gifts.

Why I Don’t Want Any Father’s Day Gifts

• Giving me gifts requires waking me up. DO NOT WAKE ME UP. NOT ON FATHER’S DAY OR EVER AGAIN. I’M NOT JOKING. I’M TIRED. I WISH I WERE IN A COMA RIGHT NOW.
• I’ll just end up returning everything – we need the money to pay for camp!
• The only gifts I want are unattainable, unless you have a time machine, a magic debt eraser, or know a free nanny.
• I’m concerned that if we add one more item to the house, it will explode.
• I’m just never going to get around using a homebrew kit, honey. I’m sorry. I love beer, but I’m totally fine with the already-made-by-professionals kind.
• Why bother buying me some cool new gadget when the kids will just break it immediately?
• I’d rather spend the money on something we can do together; I’ve never been one to take the “father” part out of celebrating “Father’s Day.” But feel free to take the kids out of it, and go to the playground while I nap. Totally your call.
• I know he means well but I don’t want the kid’s shitty artwork. The family portrait he drew for me last Father’s Day still gives me nightmares!
• I don’t really care about Father’s Day.

Of course, none of this is to say I won’t accept Father’s Day gifts! You can make the check out to Dad and Buried. Thanks!