If you’ve been following me on social media, you probably know that I’ve been on my own the past few days.

We were at my parents for the holiday weekend, and while I came back to NYC on Tuesday to go to work, Mom and Buried and the kids stuck around. The kids got to hang with Grandma (consequences be damned) and Mom and Buried was able to get some work done without paying for a babysitter. Or camp.

Meanwhile, I was living the high life, bachelor style! FREEDOM!

Ten Great Things About Family Freedom

• Sleeping – Oh my god the space!
• Waking Up – Let’s not pretend I’ve been able to sleep late. Years of work and children have conditioned my body to wake up early even when there is no need. But I have been able to wake up via my actual alarm clock, instead of my two walking, talking, screaming, crotch-punching alarm clocks. So that’s been nice.



• Fewer Headaches – Without the kids around, there’s no whining, no constant “why?” and “no!”, no annoying kids show theme songs, and only a little crying (what do you want, I’m lonely!). It’s like the throbbing in my head went on vacation.
• Peace and Quiet – To be totally honest, this is really nice at first, and then it just gets weird, and even kind of creepy, to walk into a silent home after work. Or to wake up to a silent home in the morning. Or to not be woken up all night, because of silence. Wait. WTF am I complaining about?
• Eating Crap – Not only did I nearly die from eating a bunch of three-for-a-dollar Ramen noodle meals (sue me, they’re easy, and now I’ve fulfilled my sodium intake for the rest of my life!), all of the goofy kids’ snacks Mom and Buried buys for Detective Munch were fair game! God I ate a lot of gummy vitamins and Pirate’s Booty. I feel kind of sick, actually.
• Taking Back TV – With both Detective Munch and Mom and Buried out of the house, the TV was mine, all mine. I got to catch up on movies I’ve been wanting to see, I finally started “Hannibal” season three, I even threw on a couple of “30 for 30” docs in the background while I put together The Hammer’s high chair and wrapped up some work. It was amazing.
• Drinking Crap – Just kidding, I don’t drink crap. Craft brews all around! But my drinking didn’t actually change much. In fact, without my kids around, I actually drank less! Shocking, and yet logical.
• Um… – What else?
• I’m Kind of Struggling Here… – Something about blasting music? Staying up late? Walking around naked? I didn’t do any of that. I BLEW IT.
• I’m Not Gonna Make It To Ten! – I give up.

Can I be real a second? For just a millisecond? Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second? (Is this the first time I’ve quoted Hamilton on my blog? I think it might be. How is that possible?!)

Being home alone wasn’t that great! I miss my kids. I miss my wife. I miss eating something besides a bowl of wet salt! I don’t miss cleaning spit-up or struggling to get my five-year-old to eat his dinner or brushing his teeth or being summoned to wipe his butt, but you take the bad with the good.

I’m not saying freedom doesn’t have its moments. The things I listed above are true. It was kind of nice spreading out in the bed, it was kind of nice waking up without someone whining for breakfast or needing his diaper changed, it was kind of nice watching whatever I wanted on TV. But that stuff got old pretty fast.

The peace and quiet was cool for a bit, but the silence soon became deafening. The independence was fun for a second but it quickly turned lonely. Freedom isn’t free!

I’m not a bachelor anymore, and I don’t want to be. I’ve done that. It was awesome. (Sometimes?) But such freedom was a lot more awesome with a twenty-something body instead of a dad bod, and when just looking at a beer didn’t give me a hangover, and when I didn’t know the two awesome kids I was going to have, or the superstar wife I was going to marry.

Now I do know them. And they’re on their way home. And everything will be as it should be. Except the bed. I didn’t make it this morning. Sorry, honey. Don’t hurt me!