Recently, I wrote about some of the positive things my son has inherited from me, mostly by dint of genetics and osmosis. Which is to say accidentally. Give or take The Beatles.

I don’t like to brag, which is why I’m going to do it again today! Only this time there’s nothing accidental about the things I’m going to discuss. Because these aren’t traits my son was handed down, or music I’ve indoctrinated him into. These are things I’ve done right as a parent, on purpose!

Because I am the greatest parent alive!

Parents are always being judged for the way we raise our kids. For every method or technique we adopt that impresses our parenting friends, there are several that raise eyebrows.

Fortunately for me and my family, we’ve done it all by the book(s), by which I mean Mom and Buried got advice from friends and family and so-called experts and baby books and then told me what we were doing and I (mostly) listened. We’re now veterans (ha!) or two baby wars, and as we enter the sequel to World War Toddler, it’s time we shared some of our secrets.

Parenting Done Right

• Breastfed – That’s right, we did it the old-fashioned way, i.e. the “correct” way. Each of our children was breasted because we want them to be healthy and smart. We also breastfed them in public occasionally, because this is America!
• Used Formula – That’s right, we stopped breastfeeding after about a year because we’re not crazy! We want our kids to be normal and well-adjusted. (Unfortunately that ship has sailed, or it will sail once they read my blog.) Also, it’s a lot of fun to go broke buying canisters of powder from chain stores. Like I said: this is America!
• Fed Our Kids – To be totally honest I don’t know which is better, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding. I just know we fed TF out of our children and that’s probably all that matters.
• Sent Them To School – Well, one of them at least. Now that Betsy DeVos is running things, there might not be any schools left once The Hammer is ready to go.
• Didn’t Vote For Trump – It’s not my fault! Yay! And my kids know the deal too.
• Cried It Out – Shut up, it works! I mean, not every night, but whatever.
• Vaccinated Them –Shut up, it works!
• Raised Them To Be Accepting – This is a work in progress, but I’ll let you know if it works. It’s gotta be better than raising them to be tolerant.
• Raised Them To Not Care About Categories – Despite my best efforts, Detective Munch still considers pink “a girl color” and hews strongly towards stereotypically male pursuits. Which is fine; I’m not trying to force him to be something he’s not. That’s not the point. I just don’t want him to care about arbitrary boxes and labels. See “accepting” above.
• No Co-sleeping – I wish.
• Constant Co-sleeping – Detective Munch finds his way into our bed at least two or three times a week. I hope he turns out okay.
• No Screen Time – Yeah right. Man, this list is really going off the rails.
• No Violent Movies – Unless you count Star Wars. Shit. You count Star Wars, don’t you?
• Um… We Don’t Swear That Much Anymore – Double shit.
• I Never Yell – Okay this one is just a lie.
• I Try Not To Say No Too Much – This one too. Wow. I’m actually pretty terrible at this.
• They’re Both Alive? – That’s gotta count for something, right? Right?

That last one is actually all that really matters, at least in the beginning. The rest is a judgment call. I don’t care if you breastfeed or use formula or co-sleep or home-school or show your kids Requiem For A Dream.

They’re your kids. Just don’t abuse them – and do vaccinate them – and we’ll be fine. Their mileage may vary but who really knows? Let’s all get back together in thirty years and see how they’ve turned out.