I came across this image – Flyer? E-vite? Sign posted at the gates of Hell? – on Facebook a few weeks ago, and while I wanted to write about it immediately, I was too possessed with confusion and rage to put my words together.

Thankfully, my confusion has subsided.

BUT MY RAGE HAS NOT!

Holy shit, guys. Look at this thing.

For the first time in my life, I nearly can’t even. But I will!

So let’s break it down.

The World’s Most Obnoxious Baby Announcement or Rate List or Something? I Don’t Even Know What To Call This Abomination Besides A Warning Sign

We have a new baby!

Congratulations!

and we know you would like to hold our baby.

Um, you know? You KNOW? Pardon my French, but you don’t know shit. Newsflash: I barely want to hold *my own* baby, let alone yours.

Okay, I don’t know these people. Maybe they’re not the world’s most arrogant new parents. Maybe they created this in response to a mountain of requests from friends and family. People do like babies, and many people seem to enjoy holding them.

Maybe we should give these parents the benefit of the d—

Ideas to get to the front of the line:

I’m sorry, “the line?” Your baby isn’t Disney World, motherfucker! I mean, can I get a fast pass? I didn’t think so. Spare me.

Again, maybe they have a ton of friends, despite the obvious fact that anyone that could conceive of thoughts like these and then actually create an image like this to promote them can not possibly have a ton of friends. But maybe they do, and maybe all those friends just can’t get enough of other people’s babies.

I doubt it, but for the sake of getting through this with our sanity intact, let’s go with that…

Snuggle time will be offered on a first come, first to serve basis.

Not only do I have to wait in line, now I gotta earn physical contact with your child? *deep breaths* How exactly does one earn snuggle time?

*Bring a meal (Fairly standard)
*Do the dishes (That’s a little weird)
*Fold the laundry (The fuck I will!)
*Take out the trash (This is a metaphor, right? BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE THE TRASH)
*Vacuum (Hahahaha, vacuum? Don’t you have a newborn you assholes?)
*Run an errand (Hold up. Hold UP.)

Let me get this straight: I just got to your house, where I’m standing in a fucking receiving line for your baby who, no offense, is exactly like every other baby I’ve ever seen and now you expect me to go “run an errand” for you? Wow. I mean WOW.

There’s one more, somehow:

*Ask for a task

Oh, I’m sorry, is the brain trust all tapped out? Is your honey-do list exhausted? Now I’m expected to prostrate myself in front of you and offer you a blank check for my services so you can make something up you don’t actually need just so I can touch your stupid infant? FUCK OFF I’M NOT ASKING FOR SHIT.

That is the worst thing I’ve ever read – and I’ve skimmed the first Twilight book!

Unless your baby is the second coming of Christ, get over yourselves. (Not even the three wise men were expected to vacuum when they visited – and Jesus was literally born in a barn! Can you imagine the dander?) So you had a kid, congratulations, who didn’t?

I know it’s a challenge, especially at the beginning. It takes some adjusting. You need all the help you can get. But if someone is interested in stopping by during the chaos and turmoil that is the “we just brought home a fragile, tiny, human being and everything is insane” adjustment period, they’re probably either family or close friends. For some reason, I’ve never considered charging my family and friends for the honor of touching my children. I know, I’m weird.

I’ve had two newborns, and let me tell you, if someone wants to visit your new baby? There’s no friend tax. There’s no charge for snuggle time. There’s also no rush to meet the baby; s/he isn’t going anywhere for at least 18 years (ugh). So if someone wants to come by, more power to them!

If they want to bring some food? Awesome! If they want to do the dishes, that’s a little weird, but we won’t stop you. No one wants to fold laundry so I won’t even pretend you’d actually ask, and for the love of god, the baby finally just went down DO NOT TOUCH THE VACUUM CLEANER, YOU MORON.

Basically don’t come in and add to the mess or mention the mess or mention that I’m a (hot) mess, and we’ll be good. You certainly don’t have to clean the mess! Just maybe take off your shoes and use a little hand sanitizer, if you don’t mind.

Finally, if you are at my house during those first few tumultuous weeks? Please, hold my baby. Please hold my baby. Please hold my baby! And for the love of God don’t bother mowing our lawn or washing our car first. Just take the kid already.

Let my wife take a nap. Let my wife take a shower. The little parasite has been latched to her teat nonstop since s/he was born, she could use a break. And so could I! Let me lie down. Let me do the dishes. Seriously: I want to do the dishes!

Hold the baby all you want! To quote the lunatics who made this sign: Enjoy the snuggles!