A friend of mine is in a fantasy football league in which one owner drafted a defense in the sixth round.
When questioned as to why he made such an idiotic pick, said owner explained that he made the pick because his young son had been begging him to take the Steelers D all day and he couldn’t hold him off any longer.
Look, I’m the first to admit that kids are a great excuse. I’m all for using my son to get out of things – events I don’t want to attend, churches I don’t want to go to, sleep I don’t want to catch up on, clothes I don’t want to not have stains on them, etc. No one can question your leaving a party early if you need to relieve the babysitter; your boss can’t even balk if you have to stay home because your son isn’t feeling well.
Using “I have a kid” to get out of something is totally foolproof; the parent excuse is unassailable.
Sadly, many of those excuses aren’t always excuses. Sometimes they are legitimate reasons for having to bail on enjoyable activities. There will likely be many more instances where you’ll be pissed off that you have to leave a party because of the stupid babysitter; where you’ll have to bow out of your fantasy draft because your kid is a little whiny bitch that can’t be left alone for four hours; where you won’t be able to go to Vegas for a bachelor party because it’s your son’s birthday, nevermind that he won’t even remember the outrageously complicated and expensive celebration your wife put together for him. It’s just one of the pitfalls of having kids. The other pitfall? HAVING KIDS.
But when they are excuses? They’re golden. Your spawn will provide some fantastic get-out-of-jail free cards throughout your life, well before they reach the point where you may have to miss a party in order to actually get them out of jail.
But that’s not to say you can use them to justify every stupid decision you make.
Now, I’ve been known to make some questionable decision regarding my son and fantasy football, but on the list of stupid things you can justify with the old “I have kids!” excuse (buying a minivan, quitting drinking, hiring a hot nanny) making a boneheaded draft pick in your fantasy football draft is pretty close to the bottom. Especially when you learn that the guy in question said he didn’t want to make that pick, but he couldn’t deal with his annoying son anymore.
The parent excuse is great and all, and god knows my son often annoys the shit out of me, but sometimes, parent or not, you’re just an idiot. You can’t blame your kids for everything.
Plus, if that guy doesn’t have the balls to tell his two-year-old to screw during his fantasy draft, he’s in for a loooooong 20 years of complete and utter whippage on every possible level. In a strange coincidence, I think there’s a spot opening up in my fantasy league next year…