If you’ve read my blog before, you might not expect me to write a post about my favorite moments as a father. (Even though I already have.)
After all, most of my posts are about the stuff that sucks about being a dad. But that’s all strategy. Like the Cassius Clay of the dad bloggersphere, I lull readers to sleep with angry complaints about my son and parenting and toddlers, only to suddenly sting like a sentimental bee!
Admit it: the optimistic, sappy stuff carries a lot more weight when it comes from a pessimistic, cynical jerk like me. So I parcel it out at key moments, to ambush you and your tear ducts. Usually I reserve the sap for my son’s birthday, like this embarrassment from a few years back. But as Father’s Day approaches, my friends at Oral-B and Life of Dad asked me to write something about the #PowerofDad, so I thought I’d grit my teeth (get it? Teeth? ORAL-B!) and get ‘er done.
So here comes a bunch of crap I like about being a dad. None of which includes brushing my son’s teeth because holy Jesus that’s a nightmare.
A List of Stuff I Like About Being a Dad
- Before I had a kid I didn’t even know “The Today Show” came on before 7am! Extra Matt Lauer!
Hmmm. That’s all I have, really, besides this video I made, in which I admit that I like it when my son sleeps. Which probably makes me a worse dad than all of the fellas in this lovely ad from our sponsor:
It’s nice to see dads get some props, even though I don’t worry about that stuff too much. I do take issue with a couple of things in that ad, one of which is the lack of screaming for snacks or to not go to sleep or to watch Frozen, another of which is the blatant exclusion of people without teeth. Sorry, Oral-B, but Gollum would make an AWESOME dad. Shame on you.
And shame on me. Because not having a long list of “favorite moments as a father” also makes me a worse dad than Eli Manning, even if that’s mostly because he has more money than me. And because he uses his celebrity to support charities like the March of Dimes, a leading organization for healthy, happy families that celebrates mothers and fathers every day. In fact, this very Father’s Day, March of Dimes is teaming up with “Football’s First Family”, including Eli, his dad (Archie), his daughter (Ava), and – in their second year of the #powerofdad program – P&G Oral Care (let’s call them Seymour), to celebrate fatherhood’s little moments.
Meanwhile, I’m using my “celebrity” to try to get cool toothbrushes from Oral-B and it DOESN’T EVEN WORK. I didn’t receive a single Oral-B 7000 BLACK power brush. Now, I know I’m not a member of “Football’s First Family” but I also didn’t throw 27 interceptions last year so there’s clearly a bit of a double-standard going on, am I right?
I’m no teeth fetishist, but I do floss every now and again (assuming I’ve recently eaten and can handle the resulting blood loss), and I like “power” toothbrushes because, like my father before me, I like gadgets of all types. And these things are almost as cool as the vibrating battery-powered Superman toothbrush I had as a kid. Plus, power toothbrushes allow me to be healthy AND lazy at the same time! The only other thing that lets me do that is a hyperbaric chamber, and not even a sweet $7-dollar coupon like the one Oral-B is offering for their 7000 Black would convince Mom and Buried to let me get one of those.
Which is fine, because hyperbaric chambers don’t have these crazy features (the bold ones are actual features of the Oral-B 7000 Black Power Toothbrush):
- Six modes for a more personalized brushing experience including an extra “Tongue Cleaner Mode” along with standard Daily Clean, Deep Clean, Sensitive, Whitening, and Massage modes. Um, are we sure this is even a toothbrush?
- Accelerates to top speed faster than a race car. This literally terrifies me, especially since I know how much my son loves putting race cars in his mouth.
- SmartGuide wireless display with while-you-brush feedback to help you brush thoroughly, gently and for the dentist-recommended two minutes. I don’t even have a TV in my bedroom but now my toothbrush gets one? That’s just great.
- I don’t think it can play chess, but it’s probably smarter than Justin Bieber… which isn’t exactly high praise, I guess.
As you can see in the photo below (which, like this post, I’ve given the HILARIOUS title “Fathers and Gums”), my teeth are top-notch – with or without the Oral-B 7000 that Oral-B didn’t give to me even though they probably gave “Football’s First Family” a “Few Hundred of Them”. But my dad’s teeth are pretty terrible, and I bet your dad’s teeth are too, what with all the smoking and coffee drinking and assorted Don Drapering he did while you were just a youngster, so even if your dad isn’t the kind of guy who gets amped about dental hygiene, you could definitely do worse than giving him one of these.
If he’s anything like my dad, a gadget is more likely to make him smile than a tie or some socks. Plus, it will be fun for the whole family to watch him try to use the thing, especially if he accidentally switches it to “massage” mode. ROWR!
I may have choked on favorite moments as a dad, but my own father’s technology fails are some of my favorite moments as a son!
Disclosure: I partnered with Oral-B and Life of Dad, LLC for the #PowerofDad Father’s Day promotion and was compensated for my involvement. BUT NOT WITH A TOOTHBRUSH. Looks like I’ll need to use the coupon like the rest of you saps.