Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 13

I have two kids now. I’ve never been more of an expert on what it takes to be exhausted and annoyed 24/7.

Which makes today the perfect time for another round of my unprofessional, ill-considered, potentially criminal parenting advice! (Check out all of the previous installments.)

And I actually got a handful of solid questions! Too solid, really. It was a struggle to make fun of them! It’s almost like you people are starting to take me seriously. STOP IT.

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Dear Dad and Buried,

Hello! How do you get kids to like kindergarten? Our daughter started at 3yo and after a month she’s still sad every time I leave her there. She only has 3 short days a week there. P.S. I looooove you!

– – Malin (@littlelazymummy)

Dear Malin –

Hello! I’M MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIED!

Now, to your question. I don’t know? I mean, Detective Munch doesn’t always love it either, and my fear is that if our kids don’t love KINDERGARTEN, they’re going to really have a problem with actual school. Odds are our children will be living under a bridge together after dropping out of high school. Except, kindergarten ain’t how it used to be, is it? Kindergarten used to be what today passes for preschool. Now kindergarten is what used to pass for first grade. My son has homework! There’s pressure! He got a report card! For kindergarten! It’s insane.

That all said, are you sure what you’re dealing with is less your kid’s rebellion against authority and bettering herself as a person than just plain old separation anxiety? I’d much rather be at home with my mom and dad too, which may or may not be why I cry when I get to work every day. Plus, she’s only three! Which means if she’s in kindergarten she’s either a genius and is already bored, or you’re from the future and preschool now starts in the womb. Or else you meant to say preschool. And if that’s the case, I’m willing to bet it’s just separation anxiety. It’s normal. She’ll get over it eventually, and so will you. Just bring a flask to drop-off.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

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Dear Dad and Buried,

My sister-in-law is a self-absorbed twat sock. While I was still pregnant she announced she didn’t want to be known as Aunt. And the rest of my husband’s family doesn’t seem to care that this chick is awful. How do you deal with in-laws that disrespect you and your kid(s)?

– Lee

Lee,

First of all, twat sock? Second of all, twat sock? Seriously. Twat sock? I hope you’re an actor because I want to see you say that to James Lipton.

As for dealing with shitty in-laws, welcome to marriage! Of course your husband’s family doesn’t care, they’re her family. They probably don’t even notice Aunt Twat Sock’s antics anymore.

I’m going to assume her disinterest in being called “aunt” is not her only offense, because that seems kind of minor. Unless her refusal stems from some kind of animosity towards your kid(s), I wouldn’t take it too personally. If she does dislike your kid, maybe your kid isn’t bringing a lot to the table. If s/he’s under two, s/he definitely isn’t. And if s/he’s older than two, what’s s/he’s bringing might be really annoying. Or maybe Aunt Twat Sock just hates all kids. Who can blame her! Not everyone is going to fawn all over your kid(s), it might be something you need to get used to.

Or maybe your kid is amazing and Aunt Twat Sock is just a terrible person. They do exist. If I were you, I’d either avoid her, ignore her, or teach your kid(s) to call her Uncle (Twat Sock). Have some fun with it!

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

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Dear Dad and Buried,

Am I a crazy overprotective parent? I was surprised when a fellow parent explained how he “walked into the kitchen to get something to drink” and found his 14 month old had moved the kitchen chair to the counter and climbed to the top of the fridge. I was talking with my MIL afterwards, incredulous about how it’s possible that a 14 month old was alone in the kitchen long enough to accomplish such a feat, and she was acting like I was way too overprotective and it could happen to anyone. So, am I? P.S. My MIL is currently baby-sitting my 12 month old and I’m having visions of him base-jumping off my fridge, with my MIL in the living room saying “hmm, what was that kerfuffle in the kitchen?”

– Jessica

Dear Jessica –

There’s a difference between your MIL acknowledging that kids get up to crazy shit and admitting that she ignores your kid, so I doubt you need to worry about the base-jumping. Unless MIL watches that Hoda and Kathy Lee drunkfest every morning. If so, GET THAT KID OUT OF THERE.

One person’s overprotective parent is another’s “she should be arrested for neglecting their kids” parent, so don’t be too quick to judge. It always seems impossible that you’d ever let your kid do something like that until you are in the bathroom and he figures out how to climb out of his crib and the next thing you know he’s wandering around the front yard like a drunk garden gnome. Kids are wily and unpredictable, and parents are exhausted and can’t be everywhere at once.

I don’t think you sound overprotective. You just sound regular protective. Which is a good thing. Kids are stupid. But they’re also smart, in really inconvenient ways. Don’t be too hard on people who get victimized by their toddlers, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you get victimized by yours. Because you will be. YOU WILL BE. Have a drink nearby.

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

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Dear Dad and Buried,

How do you help your older son to get along with your younger son?

– Laura D

Dear Laura D –

I don’t know yet! Detective Munch loves his baby brother. So far. It doesn’t hurt that the baby can’t play with his toys, or commandeer the TV, or eat his candy. Eventually, they’ll butt heads. I did with my brothers. I still do. I’m not sure there’s much parents can do except try to keep the peace and try not to exacerbate anything by taking sides. One day they’ll find some common ground, and will learn to co-exist. To speed that along, you might want to start being super-strict, that way they’ll start to hate you instead of each other. Nothing brings people together faster than a common enemy!

Until then, maybe put some bacon in the younger kids’ pockets? It works with dogs. They can’t get enough of me!

Take this under advisement, jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

That’s another one in the books! Thanks for all the questions!

Check out previous entries and submit your questions here. And follow me on Facebook and Twitter for on-the-fly, real-time parenting expertise! And on Instagram for photos of the aftermath.


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One thought on “Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed! – Volume 13

  1. To make your kids ‘get along’, buy an oversized t-shirt that they have to share. They each get one arm hole and share the head hole. My kids are 10 & 13 and have had to go out and play with their friends like that. It works. After a couple times, you only have to threaten the shirt of friendship

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