My Nine Best Parenting Fails

I’m not that great of a parent. Not when you consider my parenting fails.

I’m probably an okay dad, in the whole “good time guy” way some dads are. I get along with my kids, we like to horse around and goof around and get around ooh ooh I get around! (God I’m old.) But I yell too much, and I say “no” too much, and I say “don’t do that” too much, and my five-year-old definitely prefers his mom. After all, I’m the bad cop.

But sometimes my bad parenting actually works out. Some of my parenting fails are actually kind of wins!

I made a list of things I do wrong as a parent but that actually make my sons happy so who cares… besides me, ten years from now, when my instant gratification policy has turned them both into monsters.

My Nine Best Parenting Fails

  • Co-sleeping Sometimes it’s by choice, sometimes it’s because I can’t be bothered to bring him back to his room. But my five-year-old loves it, and assuming that he grows out of it before he’s say, fifteen, I’m not too concerned.
  • Skipping the Bath – I hate bath time. My five-year-old hates it too. Well, he hates getting in it, but then he also hates getting out of it, because five-year-olds are INSANE. Sometimes I wish kids could shed their skin like snakes.
  • Giving in to Snack Requests – Sometimes you just need them to shut up.
  • Swearing in Front of Them – I don’t swear in front of my kids anywhere near as much as Mom and Buried does, but it happens. It’s not too big a deal, or at least it won’t be until he throws down an f-bomb at school. But so long as we stress that swears are “adult words,” it’s no harm no foul. (This is what I keep telling myself.)
  • Giving in to Dessert Requests – Sometimes you just need them to shut up.
  • Showing Them Inappropriate Movies – Sometimes you just need them to shut up. And you’ve run out of animated movies. And you’re desperate to watch something you actually enjoy. And you’re desperate to show them something you love. When I was a kid, I saw a lot of movies that would be deemed inappropriate today, and I turned out totally fine SHUT UP.
  • Giving in to Screen-time Requests – Sometimes you just need them to shut up.
  • Taking Them to Bars – Half of our weekend is spent at bars, and since we’re good people who love our children and who can’t afford babysitters, we bring them along! Not to dive bars, but to beer gardens, and breweries, and pubs. In Brooklyn this is not out of the ordinary. In fact, it’s one of the best parts! Last weekend, we went to Threes Brewing for lunch and The Hammer was like the eighth baby in there. Detective Munch consistently asks to go to our favorite beer garden – where he and his friends play in the dirt alongside tons of other children while me and my friends drink craft beers – and often requests a visit to another favorite bar because he loves their burgers. Come football season, every Sunday will be a funday, for me and my kids! America FTW!
  • Skipping Teeth-brushing – They’re still baby teeth, he’ll be fine. Besides, I’m drunk.

Most of this stuff ain’t no thang but a chicken wing on a string. (From Burger King.) None of it is really going to impact my kids negatively, except maybe that last one because yikes that breath is rank. In fact, most of it makes them happy. And it makes me happy. So I have no guilt over it.

Yet.

What are your best parenting fails?


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6 thoughts on “My Nine Best Parenting Fails

  1. Hahaha! Yes! I am guilty of many of these! My toddler and I also hold some kitchen dance parties where we rock out to some very inappropriate lyrics. But it’s all about the beat, right?

    Also, we are letting her stay up past bedtime to watch the Olympics. By “bed” time, I mean our bed where we all sleep…

  2. Yes! I am also a terrible parent! I play Cards Against Humanity with my teenagers, I rarely make the toddler wear shoes (even in PUBLIC), and because of the letters of all of our first names, my kids and I call our mini-squad ‘BDSM’.
    Bad parenting FTW.

  3. I let my 16 month old watch a dvr episode of Nature Cat, because sometimes I need him to shut it down for 22 heavenly, PBS minutes.

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