You know how I feel about other parents. (Not you guys; you guys are the best!)

There’s a reason so many people can’t stand parents. We annoy the childfree because we’re self-absorbed, we forget what life is like for people without kids, what life was like before we had kids, we can’t stop talking about our kids, etc., and we annoy our fellow parents by being judgmental busybodies.

We are all guilty of being the annoying parent, one way or another, and I am no exception. I’m a hypocrite too! But there are some things I just can’t stomach.

Annoying Things Parents Say To Other Parents

• “Wait until they’re teenagers!” – I get this one constantly, on Facebook posts, and IG photos, and tweets. Literally SHUT. UP. Don’t threaten me. I already know it will suck when they’re teenagers. For one thing, it already sucks now. And every stage gets worse, so of course it will also suck then. For another, I know teenagers, I was a teenager, teenagers are literally the worst people on earth (to everyone except teenagers). So I get it, Captain Obvious.
• “It gets easier at 3 months/3 years/6 years…” – Okay now you’re just lying.
• Unsolicited Advice- These often involve breastfeeding vs. formula, or crying it out, or discipline. You want to help, we get it. Thanks! But unless we ask for advice, this is what we hear: “You’re doing it wrong!” and “I’m better at this than you are!” Parenting is one of those things you simply have to experience yourself, both because you and your kids are different from every single other person on earth, and because no one knows what they’re doing, even people who’ve already done it. So save it.
• Literally anything about having a nanny – Tell Gwyneth I said hi.
• “We don’t allow screen time.” – Congratulations, nerd.
• “I wouldn’t let my kid eat that.” – More unsolicited advice! I have news for you: HE’S NOT YOUR KID SO BACK OFF. Unless you see me putting actual cyanide into my son’s mouth, I’ma need you to mind your own. Feel me?
• “S/he needs a sibling.” – I will cut a bitch.
• “Oh, he’s not [doing this] yet?” – Of course he isn’t! What do you think he is, a prodigy like your child? Your child is a once-in-a-generation genius! How silly of you to expect mine to be on his level. May I kiss his ring?
• “We try not to say ‘no’ to our kids.” – What a coincidence, I’m trying not to laugh in your face.