Part of the reason I started this blog was to prove that it is possible to have kids and keep some semblance of your pre-parent life, and some semblance of your pre-parent personality, and some semblance of your pre-parent vocabulary.
In my case that mostly meant, respectively: going to bars, concerts and movies; being a cynical, sarcastic jerk; and swearing a lot. If you read my blog, you already know I’m still a cynical, sarcastic jerk who swears a lot.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to some attrition. Parenting changes you, that’s obvious. You’re a shell of the person you used to be. I don’t even know who you are anymore.
Now let’s find out how much it has changed me, with a good old-fashioned Q & A!
Last week, I wrote about how no one can really know about your parenting except your family. Today, in an attempt to take stock of who I’ve become since I had a son, I’m taking that one step further. I’m interviewing myself.
Between Two Dad and Burieds
Question: So, King Sh*t of F*ck Mountain (Editor’s Note: that’s what I call myself), how has being a parent changed you?
Answer: I’m a lot more tired.
Q: So the rumors are true? Parenting really does tire you out?
A: I could fall asleep right now. No offense.
Q: OFFENSE TAKEN. But you’ve also gotten older; maybe losing energy is simply a natural part of the aging process?
A: There are days when I wake up and I think I might be dead.
Q: Moving on… How about your lifestyle? You mentioned fewer movies…
A: Not only fewer movies, worse movies. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen Frozen and Despicable Me. My Netflix account is choked with insipid children’s programming. Thank God I finally got the kid to watch Star Wars.
Q: And music? I know you had big plans to brainwash your son to like what you like.
A: The only songs I know anymore are “Creature Report” (from “Octonauts”) and “Let It Go”.
Q: What about the drinking. Surely you drink less?
A: Less? I’ve never needed to drink more. I just told you that “Creature Report” lives in my head! And just surviving bedtime requires many shots. Many. Shots. And the stress! Speaking of, can you hand me that beer? *immediately shotguns that beer*
Q: Okay, well, how about hanging out with friends? Is that harder?
A: Because of being a dad? Not my friends. Most of them are as desperate to escape their kids as we are. Or at least to bring them someplace where parenting and drinking aren’t mutually exclusive. I live in Brooklyn. There are many such places.
Q: That’s good. What about your friends who don’t have kids? I imagine they were tossed aside once you were absorbed into the Parenting Collective?
A: Fuck that. I have no problem with people who don’t have kids. Why should I? They’re the ones that should have a problem with me! Kids are the worst, and nobody understands this better than parents. Especially other people’s!
Q: Interesting. I’d have expected your heart to grow three sizes and etc., etc.
A: It has. I love my kid. Even when I hate my kid I love my kid. But I don’t suddenly love everyone. I became a dad, I didn’t get hooked on ecstasy.
Q: Point taken. Aside from your energy level and your Netflix queue, it doesn’t sound like becoming a father has changed you all that much.
A: Well, I did kind of celebrate my son’s half-birthday once. Didn’t see that coming. I mean, all we did was give him a toy we’d been holding back until he went more than three hours without being a prick, but still, half-birthdays? Only parents even know what they are. So I’ve definitely changed some. And not necessarily for the better. But I love my son, and I don’t regret a thing. Besides, I drink more! Who could complain about that?