Parent, Interrupted

Every time my wife and I show each other any kind of affection, Detective Munch comes bombing over to get in on the action.

He’s like Pepé Le Pew, if Pepé Le Pew were into incestuous threesomes. (Which: probably?)

He’s always butting in! I literally don’t remember what it’s like to have time alone.

My son’s need to be involved got me thinking.

I don’t mind when my son barges in when I’m giving Mom and Buried a hug. Sure, it occasionally reeks of Greek myth, and I’m not ready to hand my throne – or my wife – over to him just yet, but I’ll let it go for now. It’s cute. His therapist can sort everything out later.

Cuteness aside, his constant need to be the center of our attention can be a little frustrating, especially since it never stops. I made a list of the things kids love to interrupt. I don’t know why I stopped at ten. I could add thirty bathroom-related activities alone.

Ten Things Children Love to Interrupt

  • Hugs – As previously mentioned, this isn’t so bad. But it always involves him sprinting towards us at full speed, which almost always involves his head slamming into my crotch.
  • Your Plans – Having kids both robs your life of spontaneity and makes planning things impossible. Because kids don’t do anything with forethought; they are spontaneity made flesh. Sometimes that involves spontaneous tantrums, sometimes it involves spontaneous vomit. Hopefully it involves spontaneous laughter. It definitely involves spontaneous headaches.
  • Dinner – I’m not sure if I can call this an interruption when he mostly just makes it last forever.
  • Your Favorite TV Shows – This is particularly galling, since any time we make a peep during “Scooby Doo” he yells that he can’t hear it. Hey kid, I can tell you the plot of every single episode right now: Shaggy’s stoned, Velma loses her glasses, someone’s pretending to be a monster. Repeat.
  • Sex – I think he hates us.
  • Your Peace and Quiet – Whoever called it “the pitter-patter of little feet” was a lying bastard.
  • Sleep – I know he hates us.
  • Your Flight – Aww, he hates you too!!! Believe me, I want him to shut up as much as you do. But it’s his flight too.
  • Conversations – Typically by screaming, “What? What did you say? What are you saying?” the entire time Mom and Buried and I attempt to conduct one. If I’m being generous, I refer to this as curiosity.
  • Your Happiness Or what you used to think it was. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The most annoying part? Even with these constant interruptions, he never interrupts the stuff I could actually use a break from. Like work. Or awkward cold calls I accidentally answer. Or when Mom and Buried puts on show tunes. Well, he does interrupt those, if dancing and singing along with them counts.

I know. It doesn’t.


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