The Crying Game

When we first got The Hammer home, we marveled at how quiet he was. That was a fun half hour!

Turns out he’s actually loud, especially when he hits the so-called “witching hour,” which is the technical term for that specific period of the day when your baby really wants you to know he’s pissed about this whole “not in the womb” thing and he blames YOU.

My five-year-old is more of a whiner, but really, what’s the difference? It’s all a bunch of high-pitched squealing. Even Mom and Buried is a little emotional lately, which is understandable. Her hormones must be going crazy, just a few weeks after giving birth and also with all the catching-up-on-drinking she’s gotta do!

Lately, I’m just surrounded by criers. So I decided to have some fun with it.

To keep myself sane amidst all the tears, I’ve started keeping track of all the different reasons people in my house are crying, even some things that make me sad (I never actually cry because I have no heart). And I put them in a list.

To play “The Crying Game,” not to be confused with the “Crying It Out” game, which made a lot of my readers weep), you have to match the crying person in my house (me, Mom and Buried, the Hammer and Detective Munch) with the reason for their tears.

Good luck!

  1. Has shit in pants
  2. Can’t find Batman LEGO Helmet
  3. Ran out of vodka
  4. Tired
  5. Cereal bar broke in half
  6. Who the fuck knows?
  7. Not being held
  8. Hungry
  9. Being held incorrectly
  10. Has to burp
  11. Literally has no other way of communicating
  12. Wants another show
  13. Has to go to school tomorrow
  14. Too much pepperoni on the pizza
  15. Has to dig car out of snow
  16. Not enough pepperoni on the pizza
  17. Sappy commercial
  18. So-called “cute” outfit is humiliating
  19. Batman v Superman looks atrocious
  20. Burped too hard
  21. Trump leading in polls
  22. No reason
  23. It’s not Christmas
  24. Kids grow up too fast
  25. It’s daytime
  26. It’s nighttime
  27. Babies grow up too slow
  28. Daddy put sticker on head
  29. Asked Daddy to guess something and he guessed right
  30. Lifetime movie
  31. Pacifier fell out
  32. Had cranberry juice yesterday
  33. Wanted to press the button
  34. The Dolphins
  35. Can’t control limbs
  36. Can’t have sex for six weeks+
  37. Nipples are sore
  38. Some people just want to watch the world burn

I’ll give you one warning: the answers aren’t always exclusive to one person, and one freebie: my nipples are raw AF right now!

The answers are below. Good luck! If you somehow get them all right, maybe back off and give me some space.

Hammer: 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 18, 20, 22, 25, 26, 31, 32, 35, 38
Detective: 2, 4, 5, 8, 12, 13, 14, 16, 23, 28, 29, 32, 33
M&B: 3, 4, 17, 24, 30, 37
D&B: 4, 15, 19, 21, 27, 34, 36, 37


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