When we first got The Hammer home, we marveled at how quiet he was. That was a fun half hour!
Turns out he’s actually loud, especially when he hits the so-called “witching hour,” which is the technical term for that specific period of the day when your baby really wants you to know he’s pissed about this whole “not in the womb” thing and he blames YOU.
My five-year-old is more of a whiner, but really, what’s the difference? It’s all a bunch of high-pitched squealing. Even Mom and Buried is a little emotional lately, which is understandable. Her hormones must be going crazy, just a few weeks after giving birth and also with all the catching-up-on-drinking she’s gotta do!
Lately, I’m just surrounded by criers. So I decided to have some fun with it.
To keep myself sane amidst all the tears, I’ve started keeping track of all the different reasons people in my house are crying, even some things that make me sad (I never actually cry because I have no heart). And I put them in a list.
To play “The Crying Game,” not to be confused with the “Crying It Out” game, which made a lot of my readers weep), you have to match the crying person in my house (me, Mom and Buried, the Hammer and Detective Munch) with the reason for their tears.
- Has shit in pants
- Can’t find Batman LEGO Helmet
- Ran out of vodka
- Cereal bar broke in half
- Who the fuck knows?
- Not being held
- Being held incorrectly
- Has to burp
- Literally has no other way of communicating
- Wants another show
- Has to go to school tomorrow
- Too much pepperoni on the pizza
- Has to dig car out of snow
- Not enough pepperoni on the pizza
- Sappy commercial
- So-called “cute” outfit is humiliating
- Batman v Superman looks atrocious
- Burped too hard
- Trump leading in polls
- No reason
- It’s not Christmas
- Kids grow up too fast
- It’s daytime
- It’s nighttime
- Babies grow up too slow
- Daddy put sticker on head
- Asked Daddy to guess something and he guessed right
- Lifetime movie
- Pacifier fell out
- Had cranberry juice yesterday
- Wanted to press the button
- The Dolphins
- Can’t control limbs
- Can’t have sex for six weeks+
- Nipples are sore
- Some people just want to watch the world burn
I’ll give you one warning: the answers aren’t always exclusive to one person, and one freebie: my nipples are raw AF right now!
The answers are below. Good luck! If you somehow get them all right, maybe back off and give me some space.
Hammer: 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 18, 20, 22, 25, 26, 31, 32, 35, 38
Detective: 2, 4, 5, 8, 12, 13, 14, 16, 23, 28, 29, 32, 33
M&B: 3, 4, 17, 24, 30, 37
D&B: 4, 15, 19, 21, 27, 34, 36, 37