Someone must have told Rogaine® that I just turned 40.
Shortly after my birthday, they sent me some of their product that treats Hereditary Hair Loss – thinning at the crown of the head – in what has to be considered one of the sickest burns of all time.
I just wish they’d sent it twenty years ago, when I could have prepared myself.
If I could go back and talk to my twenty-year-old self, there are a variety of things I would say, and a fair amount of it would have to do with my health and appearance, including my potential hair loss. I don’t know that I’d say I’m balding, but there’s a little thinning going on, and Mom and Buried is terrified.
That’s not the only thing I’d warn myself about. Partially because I’m in denial, but also because not everything is about looks, society!
Dear 20-year-old Me:
The list of things I need to tell you about your future is endless. There are so many mistakes you’re about to make, from not getting contact lenses early enough to seeing Beverly Hills Ninja in the theater, that you need my help.
The problem is you’re an honest-to-goodness moron and that’s not going to change. But maybe I can limit the damage with a few pointers. I’m going to do it in list form, because lists are about to become very popular. Get used to them. (Also, make some vemes.)
- DON’T HAVE KIDS.
- Fine, have kids. It’s mostly worth it. Just go to sleep now.
- Just kidding, that won’t work.
- Maybe consider rooting for a different NFL team? It’s 1996 and the Dolphins peaked 20 years ago. The next 20 aren’t going to be pretty. Also, DON’T TRUST NICK SABAN.
- I know you’re young and in college, but stop growing your hair out. You don’t have cool long hair, you just look like Screech.
- Speaking of hair, you’ll still have most of yours when you’re 40. But you’re a Dolphins fan, you eventually have two kids… your life is conspiring against you. Start using Rogaine the minute you notice some thinning – don’t worry, your cold-blooded wife will let you know – because hereditary hair loss is a progressive condition and if you don’t do something about it, you’ll continue to lose more and more hair over time.
- To be clear, while preserving your hair with Men’s Rogaine® Unscented Foam will keep you looking younger, despite the hilarious picture on the right, it won’t magically de-age like Tom Hanks at the end of Big. (Those are your kids, by the way. Again, you didn’t magically de-age yourself, you moron.)
- There’s a show that’s gonna come out in a few years, it’s called “The Wire”. You haven’t seen it yet but you should start taking about it anyway. You’re gonna be annoying as hell about it later, might as well get started.
- Save money.
- Save money.
- Save money.
- Save money.
- Save money. YOU’RE GONNA LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.
- Save money. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TWO KIDS.
- Elope! Seriously. Expensive weddings are a waste. I repeat: SAVE MONEY.
- Don’t ever say “expensive weddings are a waste” to your girlfriend/fiance. It will not end well. Then again, it may end up saving you money so you do you playa!
- Before I forget, you have to put the Men’s Rogaine® Unscented Foam on twice a day, every day, to maintain results. Not just once in a while. Again, IT IS NOT MAGIC. God you’re stupid. You can get it at Walgreen’s.
- At one point, moving down South may seem like a good idea. Don’t bother. You’ll just come back.
- Go to the gym more. You’ll look better, you’ll feel better, you’ll be healthier later and for longer, and yes, you’ll hate yourself a little being a gym guy but by the time you’re 40 you’re gonna hate yourself for all sorts of things so who cares!
- Skip the second two Matrix movies.
We all make mistakes. It’s how we learn and grow. For example, the other day your six-year-old remarked about how old you look and for a second you regretted having him. But mostly you regret not taking better care of yourself. So heed my advice. You don’t want to wind up like this guy:
Because, despite the picture above (again: NOT MAGIC), you can’t turn back time. No matter how much cuter you’d get.
Now get to it.
Dad and Buried
P.S. You should stick with the Red Sox. Trust me.
Disclosure: I have partnered with Life of Dad and Rogaine® for this promotion.