This Is Your Parenting On Drugs

There are a lot of reasons a parent might want to lighten their load with a little help from their friends, whether said friends be alcohol, marijuana, Xanax, or boarding school. You have kids. You get it. Sometimes you need to relieve some stress. Parenting on drugs is tempting, to say the least.

I haven’t sent my kids away (yet), and I’ve never been much of a pill guy (there but for the grace of God and all). So these days I mostly drink. Kids have a tendency to make that necessary. You’re on Facebook. You get it.

There was a time — way back in college — when I might have done a little more than drink. Lately, now that the stigma is gone and the criminality is going away as well, I’m wondering if it might be time to explore a return to Honalee with everyone’s favorite magic dragon.

parenting on drugs, dad and buried, parenting, parenthood, kids, family, funny, dad bloggers, mommy bloggers, mike julianelle, children, social media, facebook, funny, humor, memeEvery election season, another state ends the charade and makes either medical or recreational marijuana (or both) legal. It seems clear to me that, notwithstanding Donald Trump and the Republican Reich’s forthcoming reign of terror, marijuana’s status as a dangerous, illegal narcotic will disappear like so many puffs of smoke by the time my kids are my age. And probably well before.

I love drinking. I’m a beer and bourbon guy, an occasional wine gentleman, and once in a while, even a martini man. Once I became a father, I started drinking, if not more, than certainly with more purpose. Unfortunately, as I traversed my mid-to-late 30s and finally hit 40 this past fall, my hangovers have followed suit.

Which brings us back to weed.

There are hundreds of reasons a parent might want to seek a little herbal refreshment. (Maybe not 420 reasons, but that depends on how many kids you have.)

I have two kids, so here is a slightly shorter list of reasons parenting on drugs might be beneficial.

The Perks of Parenting On Drugs

  • No hangover
  • No hangover
  • No hangover
  • No hangover (I could make this list 420 items long if I listed this 416 more times, which I should)
  • No hangover (Last time!)
  • Yo Gabba Gabba!gets a hell of a lot better
  • So does Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
  • And Scooby-Doo (duh)
  • Pretty much any TV show gets better except Cailloubecause Caillou is a nightmare whether you’re high or not
  • An increased ability to relate to your kids’ inane questions, or at least find them humorous versus annoying
  • An increased ability to ask your kid your own inane questions (but be careful, you might blow some unformed minds)
  • A decreased ability to give a shit about your kids’ inane questions.
  • Play-Doh is a fucking blast!
  • Play-Doh is fucking delicious!
  • Being highcan really help take the edge off your stress, especially if you have a short fuse or your kids are annoying AF, which of course they are — they’re kids
  • A surprisingly mellow dinnertime experience
  • A surprisingly mellow reading experience
  • A surprisingly mellow bedtime experience
  • Oh my god, have you ever done housework high?
  • Oh my god, have you ever gone grocery shopping high?
  • (Don’t go grocery shopping high)
  • Oh my god, have you ever done laundry high?
  • (Don’t do laundry high)
  • Does your kid play a musical instrument? I hope they appreciate twirling!
  • Marijuana is anti-nausea, so emptying the Diaper Genie will be much easier
  • No hangover (sorry, I lied — a few more times because it’s important)
  • No hangover
  • No hangover
  • Suddenly, parenting is a whole lot funnier!

As you can see, there are a lot of pros to the whole parenting on drugs idea (*cough* no hangover *cough*). But I’m a fairly high-strung parent, and if I actually were high around my kids, I’d probably lose my mind from paranoia. At the very least, I’d forget that my 6-year-old has been in time-out for the past four hours.

(Obviously, there are countless disclaimers I could put in this article, but I’m confident that most of you are mature enough to know them already and also understand that this is meant to be funny. Of course, given the history of jokes on the internet, I must be high to think that.)

This post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.


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