I love coffee.

I don’t know how you can be a parent and not love coffee. The smell alone is Pavlovian, and a few cups a day are just plain necessary for survival! I also love both the taste and the smell of coconut. Like, a lot. No joke: I have seriously considered drinking Mom and Buried’s coconut-scented conditioner. But I didn’t want to die.

So here’s the problem with frank body’s otherwise highly effective frank coconut coffee scrub: I WANT TO EAT IT.

Not everyone knows what I mean. Like my pal Aaron. (I use “pal” loosely, because I don’t like Patriots fans. And I especially don’t like Patriots fans who don’t like coffee!)

When the perpetually enraged, coffee-hating Masshole over at The Daddy Files challenged me to participate in the frank Body wash campaign, my initial instinct was to tell him to go screw. Especially since on top of worshiping Tom Brady and hating my breakfast beverage of choice, he was questioning my virility! I HAVE A BEARD, PAL, WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?!

But then my son asked me to go outside and play with him. And I subsequently got filthy. So when we got back home – after I helped Detective Munch practice Dan Marino’s quick-release and perfect spiral, and taught him about the Greatest Quarterback in NFL History’s legendary arm and amazing comebacks and hilarious temper, and explained how if he played in today’s watered-down league he’d have 10,000 yards and 10,000 touchdowns EVERY SINGLE SEASON – it was bath time. For both of us.

But mostly me, because my son was having NONE of it.

Despite the fact that he still manages it quite well, Detective Munch is not a huge fan of getting dirty. So I explained how frank works, but even though he can’t possibly know what “counter-intuitive” means, let alone pronounce it, when he saw the bag of coffee coconut scrub he definitely said to me, in between puffs of his pipe, “But father, getting dirty to get clean is positively counter-intuitive!”

For some reason, explaining the health benefits of the scrub – “But it’s got nourishing oils for sensitive skin! And it’s totally nut free! Stop screaming at me and get in the f*cking tub!” – couldn’t convince him to give it a try. Whatever, I wasn’t about to force him; his youthful skin is already softer than a cloud and besides, bath time (read: everything) is already stressful enough with a four-year-old. Which left more for me to EAT ALL OF clean up with.

And that’s what I did. And also I ate some. It just smells so good! And now I’m in the emergency room, because I’m a moron who can’t read packaging or control himself. On the plus side, I smell great and I’m clean enough to eat! The nurses are LOVING IT.

Which reminds me! I’m still alive, so I can challenge Andrew Kardon of Mommy’s Busy… Go Ask Daddy to get himself some frank. Trust me, Andrew: after you up your game with the delicious-smelling (DON’T EAT IT!) body scrub, “Mommy’s busy” will have a whole new meaning.

Get it? Because Mommy will be getting busy! And she won’t be too busy anymore. Not for you!

Because SEX!

(NAILED IT.)

I have partnered with Life of Dad and frank body for this promotion.