Last week, I wrote about the sleep deprivation, the loss of both quantity and quality of sleep, that comes with being a parent.

Even after sleep training, even when they’re older, your sleep schedule gets shredded.

Today, I thought I’d share a timeline of the typical night in the Buried household, from when we put Detective Munch down to bed and from when he gets us up the next morning.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy night.

My (Lack of) Sleep Schedule

• 7:30 – teeth brushing
• 7:32 – change him out of his toothpaste-covered pajamas
• 7:35 – bedtime story
• 7:50 – asks for water
• 7:55 – says he’s hungry
• 8:00 – asks if he can sleep in our bed
• 8:01 – repeat
• 8:02 – repeat
• 8:03 to 8:10 – repeat, while crying
• 8:15 – says he’s scared
• 8:20 – says he’s hungry
• 8:30 – says he can’t sleep
• 8:35 – repeat
• 8:40 – repeat
• 8:41 – repeat, while he’s falling asleep
• 8:45 to 11 – BABY SCREAMING INTERLUDE
• 11:00 to 11:45 – BABY FEEDING INTERLUDE
• 1:30 – Detective Munch makes his way from his room to ours and climbs into the bed, damaging my ability to have another child in the process
• 1:35 – He stretches out, kicking me repeatedly
• 1:40 – repeat
• 1:50 – repeat
• 2:09 – heels me in the crotch
• 2:15 to 3:15 – BABY FEEDING INTERLUDE
• 3:27 – Detective Munch wakes me up in order to remind me to do something totally insignificant for him in the morning
• 4:11 – he wakes me again to tell me why Iron Man has two super-suits
• 4:43 to 4:49 – sniffles repeatedly from 4:43 to 4:49
• 4:50 – I ask if he needs a tissue
• 4:51 to 4:54 – responds to tissue question by screaming like I’ve thrown acid on his face
• 5:01 – demands an escort to the bathroom even though the light is on and he previously made his way to our room in the dark at 1:30
• 5:11 to 6:29 – asks over and over again if we can get up.
• 6:30 – We get up
• 6:31 – 7:19 We argue about everything from breakfast to getting dressed to whether Superman would beat The Flash in a foot race
• 7:20 – says he’s too tired to walk to the school bus