I thought I’d write about how my life changed when I became a father.
But I can’t do it. I can’t lie.
Not a single thing about me or my lifestyle has changed one bit since I had kids.
I had my first kid almost six years ago and I had my second only five months ago. Ain’t nothing changed in my life!
I am the same dude I’ve always been.
Yes, I get up a lot earlier, and go to bed earlier, and get a lot less sleep, and am generally more exhausted. But just because my five-month-old wakes me up in the middle of the night to be fed or soothed or have his diaper changed, and just because my five-year-old wakes me up early every day and forces me to feed him breakfast and get him dressed and take him to the bus stop doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be just as tired without all that stuff. I’m nearly 40.
Sure, I spend more, and have more bills, and generally have less money. But just because my five-month-old has a ton of diapers and bottles and onesies and stuffed animals, and just because my five-year-old has a ton of Star Wars toys and superhero figures and mac and cheese and juice boxes and music lessons and summer camp doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have less money without all that stuff. Life is expensive!
Okay, I watch more cartoons, and have more Pixar movies, and my Netflix queue is loaded with children’s programming. But just because my five-year-old loves Transformers and Scooby-Doo and Batman and Paw Patrol and my five-month-old will probably make me watch “Yo Gabba Gabba” and “Teletubbies”doesn’t mean I wouldn’t watch some of that anyway. I love superheroes too, they’re not just for kids.
And fine, I spend a lot more time at playgrounds and parks. And I often wear a baby carrier and push a stroller and go to little league games and have tickle-fights and try to swear less and have to drink more and I help with homework and play catch and snuggle in a bed that’s too small for me and make funny faces to get some laughs and worry that I yell too much and stress about discipline and I speak to more babysitters and own several car-seats and know the names of all the Rescue-bots and can dominate the Scooby-Doo iPad game and have nightmares about emptying a diaper genie and am constantly assembling playhouses and beds and cribs and bikes and I often wear band-aids with the Avengers on them and am forced to brush someone else’s teeth every night and have to buy new Epipens and breathing medication and have opinions on vaccinations and worry about gun control and am attending a kindergarten graduation ceremony next week and sometimes have to take care of other people’s kids and I struggle with being a good example and know what it’s like to love other people unconditionally and more than I ever though possible which makes me both happy and terrified at the same time every single day but that doesn’t mean my life has changed!
HOW DARE YOU.
Nothing has changed for me. My life is exactly as it was before I had kids.
Give or take…