My son loves the movie Trolls. At first I thought he was trolling me by pretending to love it, but nope. He really does.
Anyway, I love trolls too, just not the ones in that movie. (Although I may be protesting a bit too much; it’s not that bad. It’s certainly not as bad as my son’s other favorite musical troll movie, Strange Magic!) My favorite trolls are the ones who come to my blog and social pages to accuse me of being a terrible parent who hates his kids.
Second of all, STFU.
Not for accusing me of hating my kids, I’m asking for that (and I’ve covered that too!). No, you need to STFU and GTFO and other-abbreviations-that-conveniently-skirt-profanity-while-still-angrily-telling-someone-off for being such a humorless troll that you can’t tell the difference between sarcastic hatred (the kind I feel for my kids) and actual hatred (the kind I feel for myself, and for Ed Sheeran).
Honestly though, I love it when someone comes at me like that. People with no sense of humor are the most fun people to mess with! (People with no sense of humor who voted for Trump and defend the NRA are slightly less fun to mess with…) Thankfully, yesterday’s troll fell into the former category, when he left this comment on my Facebook page: “Have you considered the impact writing this blog may have on your child?”
My fellow dad is implying one of two things with that comment, but before I get to them, let me answer the question as it’s written: No. I haven’t. I’ve already admitted I’m a terrible parent, what don’t you understand? Besides sarcasm?
Anyway, let’s tackle the two problems he probably really has with my blog.
1) He thinks that spending time writing a blog is taking away from time I should be spending with my kids.
Okay, well, leaving aside the fact that I don’t write when my kids are around or awake which renders his entire question meaningless, I’m also not a stay at home dad, which means I go to work everyday. Is that time away from my kids detrimental to them too? Is doing anything at all except interacting with my kids detrimental to them? Because not only is that idea impossible – Detective Munch is in first grade, so he’s not even around most of the day, and I honestly have no idea where The Hammer even is most of the time – it’s stupid. Spending all your time with your kids is a recipe for disaster.
All parenting and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and that reference is no accident: spending every waking minute with my kids would literally drive me insane. Any parent who lacks any life of his or her own outside of taking care of the kids is probably an unhappy and resentful parent, and is definitely a boring person.
To recap, I don’t write my blog when my kids are around (it’s hard to type with a drink in your hand), and I think it’s essential to spend some time apart from your kids, doing non-parenting things.
2) He thinks my blog is bad for my kids and that one day they’ll read it and think their father hates them
The bottom line is: I know my kids, and my kids know me. When they’re old enough to read and surf the internet – well, I highly doubt they’re going to run to their dad’s blog to find out his take on the latest parenting controversy, but should they head here, I’m not too concerned. Not only will they already know where they stand with me, they’ll get me.
They’ll understand the truth behind my snark, and they’ll be used to living with an annoying, sarcastic dad who has trouble expressing his actual emotions without camouflaging them in cynicism and mockery. Plus, we live with each other! It’s not going to take reading my blog for my kids to know I hate them!
All parents face their fair share of judgment from strangers, and everyone who has even been on the internet is familiar with trolls. It’s when these worlds collide that I have the most fun. Parenting trolls are my favorite! Something about the involvement of children often blinds even the most well-meaning people to the presence of jokes, which makes keeping your own sense of humor in the face of such priggery so important.
Most people say don’t feed the trolls, and again, if they own thirteen guns and think the New York Times is fake news, you probably shouldn’t. But if they’re outraged because you called your kid an asshole in a goofy meme? Have at it!
Or send them my way. I can’t get enough.